This week I'm in sunny (hot) Arizona, vacationing with my two travel buddies. I'm not generally a fan of high temps (hence, my love of the usually temperate Pacific Northwest), but a sunny getaway during the rainy months is welcome - as my friend says, vitamin D via nature, not a pill. And, it's good for my soul to experience an environment unlike my usual day-to-day, whether that's in the desert, the Oregon coast, or a walk in the woods.
I shared at a speaker meeting last weekend (I was the Alanon) - always a trigger for anxiety as well as an opportunity to be of service. I almost didn't go into the addiction counseling field because I knew that lecturing was part of the job description. In high school I'd either cut class or stay home sick on the rare days I needed to do a presentation. Ah, bondage of self - way more concerned with what people might think of me than was warranted. Some of that is adolescence, with the "invisible audience" stage of maturing. No, dear, you only think people are watching you (ha ha - a whole 'nother state of mind when using paranoia-inducing chemicals). Anyhow, I tend to twitch as I think about speaking, but, thank you AA/Alanon, am ok once I get going. And as we know, there are usually three talks we give - the one in the car on the way to the group, the actual share, and the one on our way home, thinking of everything we left out. Yes, here I am, one more time, more like my fellows than different.
I expect to be deep into my temporary elections job when I get home. I think back to early retirement when I had the urge to know what I was supposed to be doing next. I've since settled into the knowledge that what I'm to do will present itself, and that I can change my mind as my priorities shift and change. What a concept! I used to operate on the belief that a decision was a decision was a decision. Obviously, some things are an either-or, but so much isn't. That is one of the freedoms of getting older - that knowing that things change, I change, what I may want changes.
In 1981 in Portland, downtown was reconfigured to include Pioneer Square, dubbed the city's living room, a block with open space and seating for events and just hanging out. As part of the process, personalized bricks were sold that now and forever pave the area. I bought one for myself, my boyfriend, my brother and my bestie's three kids. While I've sort of looked for mine over the years, to no avail, one of my "When I'm Retired" items was to find the brick, which I did recently, with the help of a nice security guy. As I told my brother (who now wants me to find his), this is likely my marker, my headstone of sorts as I don't expect an actual grave when I go.
And so, an example of priorities - I had vague "I should find my brick" or "I really should go find my grandfather's gravesite" but neither were pressing. Like when I was bemoaning that it was taking literal years to finish my novel, asking myself, "If I say this is important, why is it I do everything but??" My therapist at the time said, "Maybe you need to choose it," as in, decide, then take the action. And that includes looking at my internalized "should's," a current one being around my writing. I've been wrestling with the "now I'm retired, I should write another book" demon, when in reality, I'm not feeling moved to do so. Is this a dream to release, along with the long ago desire to own a house at the beach or go back to playing the piano? If I really wanted to do any of these things, I'd be doing them, so perhaps I can let myself off the hook, like recently realizing that it's really OK that I haven't read many of the classics or that I'm woefully undereducated regarding classical music, acknowledging that there isn't likely going to be a test at the end! ODAT, what moves my heart today?
As I was leaving my walking group last weekend, full of gratitude for this recovery life, the old fear of the other shoe dropping popped up, as if there is only so much good to go around, and I've had my quota. But then I remembered that last year at this time, I was being treated for breast cancer. Sometimes the other shoe does drop, and the principles of the program always, always get me through.
How does the bondage of self show up for you today? What are your priorities at the moment, not what you think they should be? Does the fear of the other shoe dropping ever stalk you? What do you say to calm it when it does?
* * *
Ready for an inventory or small group discussion? Check out my workbook "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. (See the Jan 13, 2023 post for a sample.) Available in PDF format ($12.95) for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy ($19.95 mailed to you). Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. You can order from the WEB VERSION of this page, payment link on top right. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th
No comments:
Post a Comment