A happy new year to all - may 2025 be gentle and sober, whatever life on life's terms brings.
We attended the Year End Roundup this past weekend, in Seaside, Oregon - a small (300 attendees?) conference with great speakers this time around. The opening ceremony was a woman playing a lovely Native American flute. As the haunting notes filled the large meeting room, I closed my eyes and said to myself, "Let me be open to what I need to hear this weekend." Crusty long-timer that I am, I can sometimes go into a meeting or conference thinking I know how it will go, and this time telling myself, "I'm in it for the beach." As fate would have it, the weather was terrible, so I didn't even see the ocean until a short walk during a momentary lull between downpours before we headed home.
And as we say, "Be careful what you wish for," as I did get a couple of strong messages over the weekend. The details don't really matter, though one definitely involved my overconsumption of sugar since Thanksgiving. As a person in the open Alanon meeting said, "Once you know, you know." Dang it. When telling my story, I've sometimes said that sugar was my first drug of choice, and if that's true, what do I do about it? I'm not radical - I'll have jam on toast for example, but I'm definitely of the "one is too many and a thousand is never enough" category when it comes to candy and desserts. One day at a time, one choice at a time.
The other subtle whisper had to do with resting on one's laurels. Do I do that? Without being obsessive about self-examination/condemnation, can I take a realistic look at my life and my program? Are there places where I'm just going through the motions? I attend a monthly Step group, but tend to do the reading the day before (or morning of). I do have a Secretary position at a couple of small zoom fellowships, have a couple of sponsees, an Alanon sponsor (dual member),,, On the surface it passes muster, but on the inside, in my heart of hearts, I'm just not sure how engaged I am besides the "suit up and show up" portion. To that end, I've asked another long-timer if she's willing to work through the Steps with me, which feels positive. I do know that I can be hard on myself, sometimes using the "searching and fearless" as a hammer rather than a tool, so will be mindful of wearing the program like a loose garment. (I believe that's a biblical reference, but I relate to the imagery of a comfortable pair of pants rather than a wasitband too tight, an open palm vs a fist).
Earlier today, I attended an online speaker meeting with Lila R, who, with 55 years in program, so often speaks to the long-timer. Today she noted that there isn't much left that she hasn't examined. I can heed that and not go looking under rocks for characteristics real or imagined. What needs my attention will present itself. Am I perfect? Of course not. Do I have a general idea of my ism's? Yeah, pretty much. Can I drop the rock of "not enough-ism?" Maybe. Again, one day at a time, one decision at a time as I continue, now and forever, to strengthen my "pause" muscle. Relieve me of the bondage of self, the bondage of impulsivity, the bondage of future-tripping, of thinking I need to know what's next, of thinking I know what's right for you.
That sounds worse than it actually is. By and large, life is good today, and it's good today because I've been walking the spiritual path of the 12 Steps for a long time. It is good in its simplicity and relative calm. It is good in that I know, I know who my trusted others are. I know in my bones that I am alcoholic, and I know what works for me (which is pretty much what has worked all along).
Again, a very happy new year to you. What might come up if you ask to hear what you need to hear? Is there anything whispering that you'd just as soon ignore? How might you know if you slip into "resting on your laurels" land? Who holds you accountable (and vice versa)? How do you utilize the Steps and principles as tools and not weapons?
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Is it time for a new year inventory as we enter 2025?
The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.
