Showing up for each other...

 There were six newcomers at my in-person Alanon meeting this past week, six people in various stages of crisis, at the end of their ropes with concerns for spouses or children. Like with AA, we don't get to Alanon because we're having a great day. We get to Alanon because we're worried sick, literally, for a loved one who is drinking themselves to death. We get to Alanon because we're worried and often because we're angry - why can't they see what they're doing to themselves?! How I remember that one. I got clean, damn it. Why won't he?

The despair in the room was almost palpable, with just the tiniest sliver of hope squeaking through the anguish. In both AA and Alanon, I remember feeling like I needed to learn a new language, like there must be some secret they weren't telling me - otherwise how could they be laughing? Don't they know this is serious?

Of course we do. It took quite a while for me to understand that taking care of myself was the best thing, the only thing I could do to confront the disease (my own or someone else's). As I've probably written here before, the meth-cook lover whose addiction sent me to Alanon died of an overdose after I'd been in program (both) for a couple of years. Via my participation in Alanon I'd learned to set boundaries (as in, "No, I won't loan you $50, pick you up at the Justice Center, let you use my car"), and I learned the very painful reality that short of locking him in a room, there was nothing I could do to get him sober. Oh how I wish I could have someone's "ah-ha" moment for them, but that is not how it works.

It remains to be seen if any of these folks return to Alanon. It can take some time to hook in, especially for those who the "god talk" is a turn off. We get to program when we're ready. As we know in AA, the program isn't for those who need it, or even those who want it, but for those who are willing to do the work. And that applies no matter how long I've been coming back.

Later that evening I was in my online home group, with a member celebrating a milestone - one day at a time, sometimes through hell and high water. I very much appreciated witnessing the continuum from shivering denizen earlier in the day (and yes, that very much applies to Alanons) to walking the path of recovery and how we support each other in good times and bad. 

And that has been the theme of all my recent meetings - showing up for each other, and digging deep to implement the principles of the program when it can feel like the earth is shifting beneath our feet. A friend used the phrase, "P.W.A." as a mantra when tempted to let her opinions fly. I was puzzled until I realized she was saying "Pause when agitated." I like it. Sometimes even shorthand can provide a second's slow down. Like we used to say "449!" when needing to accept a situation (3rd edition), anything that turns my brain from obsessive thinking is a good thing. I may return to the storyline, but after holding up the internal STOP sign a few times, I can't help but change my personal disaster-of-the-day channel.

The beat goes on, and here we are, knocking on February's door. How am I working my program today, especially in regard to other people's behavior? Where do I see that my experience can benefit others, both before and after coming in to the rooms, being mindful to say to myself, "Did they ask?" before offering input? How do I find, or maintain, my sense of being centered when I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, either personally or in the greater world? 

* * *

Is it time for an inventory as we enter 2025?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.

What is true is true

I've been cleaning up my desk area and office this week, feeling slightly overwhelmed and agitated with the amount of clutter, which for me includes the flotsam and jetsam of paper - small notes and post-its with pithy sayings, reminders, various To-Do lists and stacks of scratch paper. It's a new year!

Since the pandemic, I've kept little journals where I make notes during online meetings - it helps me to focus, and is a record of things I want to remember. And... we're now five years post quarantine. In looking over the oldest records, I very quickly saw that most of what I'd jotted down were repeats. Like  an online post recently noted, you can look up 5,000 different inspirational quotes, but that doesn't mean 5,000 different bits of advice. What is true is true. Different people use different turns of a phrase, but the core of the message is the same. Don't take this world personally. Beware of trying to clean up the wreckage of the future. Accept people just as they are (i.e. I am powerless).

I do like these two pieces: When I'm having a bad day I need a meeting. When I'm having a good day, the meeting needs me. And, When my guts are in a knot, it usually means I'm trying to control something (i.e. remember, I am powerless!). And here's one that always makes me pause: If you know the answer, ask a bigger question.

What does that mean? What part of my comfort zone might need expanding? A friend recently suggested an adventure next autumn, with my first thought being, "Too expensive - don't do it." Is that being realistic, or fear?  I slept on it and thought, "Wait a minute. I'm 70 years old. If I don't go see this natural wonder (Monument Valley in Arizona) I probably never will."  I am reasonable with money, and... as I've long asked myself, at the end, will I be happy about extra $ in the bank, or that I got to experience X, Y or Z?  I tend to err on the side of experience (as long as my needs are taken care of, and yes, I'm aware that is a luxury). So, while my first reaction is sometimes a "no!" born of being afraid, I can slow down the process to discern what is really true.

Another saying I like says "nothing grows in my comfort zone."  I am not a physical risk taker. You won't find me on the end of a bungee cord or riding a steep gondola (though some of my antics while under the influence were definitely dangerous). There were many, many emotional risks as I've grown into myself - that first college class, applying for jobs that felt just slightly out of reach, getting married for the second time, doing my best as a stepmom, showing up for my mother and my first husband as they were dying - so many things that initially felt like too much. One day at a time, my fellow travelers show me how to walk through what feels impossible. As I've been told, "You can do hard things," which is a reminder of the hard things I have done.

It goes back to the importance, for me, of repetition and reinforcement. On my own, that scared little voice can take hold. Some folks go to church. I go to meetings (and some do both, or neither). Meetings are where I can take a deep breath, where I hear you walking through the joys and challenges of this life, where a turn of a phrase prompts my own reflection. I go to meetings and I talk with like-minded others. I go to meetings and I read books that inspire. I go to meetings and I have a routine, a practice that works for me. 

A friend speaks to the danger of meeting-based sobriety, so yes it isn't merely sitting in the chair, but rather taking the principles into the world, even if that world is my own home. I was never a Scout of any kind, but I do adhere to the "be prepared" motto.  As I've often said, I love to travel though get a tad nervous when preparing to leave. I have a big trip planned later in Spring, so am practicing the principles by getting my affairs in order, as it were, as in documents organized and all the things someone would need to access were I to die. I know a woman who died while in Bali on vacation, and it was incredibly expensive and complicated to return her remains home. To that end, when I pre-paid my arrangements after my mother died, following her very helpful example, I added a policy that would bring me back to Portland if I meet my end elsewhere. We all likely have a different idea of what being prepared for the end means - this felt important to me. 

And my perspective on what is important doesn't change all that much over time. Sobriety, health, service, friends, family, self-care... the way I've approached them may vary, but what is true is true. I love something from an Alanon reader: What is important is rarely urgent. What is urgent is rarely important. I can use that as a measuring stick when I feel the need to act now!  knowing that what is mine to do will make itself clear. 

I will say that what is true can feel complicated these days. As I catch glimpses of the news on TV at the gym, or what people send me, I feel myself in a mental spin. On my walk this morning, I used a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tool of naming 5 things I see, 5 things I hear, 5 things I feel in an effort to get back into my body and out of my head. No amount of fretting will change anything. Being centered and clear-headed just might clear the path to hear and implement good, orderly direction. 

Whether you welcome or mourn changes in the world these days, how do you stay aware of your powerlessness while having the courage to know the difference between what you can change and what you can't? What are some healthy risks you've taken, in early recovery or more recently? Do you have a daily routine that helps you find your strength?

* * *

Is it time for an inventory as we enter 2025?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.

Spiritual fitness

 There was a placard at my gym this week listing four main goals of fitness: strength, balance, flexibility, and endurance. Endurance I have in spades. Point me in a direction and I can walk for literally hours. Strength? So-so, but not bad for an old broad. Flexibility and balance are where I need focus. My mom could put her hands flat on the floor into her 80's. Me, well, do my shins count??

It struck me that those four areas of fitness - strength, balance, flexibility and endurance - also apply to life and to recovery. Do I have the strength to follow the path, to keep coming back, to interrupt unhelpful thoughts? Is my life balanced - not always equal time, but a give and take between active and passive, social and solitude? What about flexibility? Am I a "bleeding deacon" or can I go with the flow of new ideas? And endurance. Am I in it for the long haul, or do I have one eye on the door? 

It hit me as I was sharing in one of my home groups this week that the "you either grow or you go" statement from my first sponsor can be seen as a warning (which is how I've viewed it), but just maybe it's an invitation, an invitation to go deeper, to truly listen for the still, small voice of wisdom, that internal knowing that can nudge me one way or another - the Step 10-ish spot check for flexibility, strength, endurance and balance. 

As I'm now well into my 40th year (ha ha) I'm noticing a softening, a leaning towards a more gentle application of the principles. I'm also noticing the "sometimes quickly, sometimes so very slowly." For example, anytime forgiveness has come up as a topic over the years, my mind zeroed in on an incident that happened in 1979 or 80. It was ugly, the person made a non-specific amends years later, but I've long held on to the "How dare they?" energy. Somewhere in the last year or so I had to ask myself, as my brain jumped back to the long ago hurt, whether or not I wanted to be judged by the worst thing I'd ever done (and which of my crummy actions would count as the "worst?") and if I could forgive myself, or outgrow that guilt, perhaps I could do the same for this one nugget of resentment. I didn't do any formal letting go, but the next time I saw this person, realized I was at a place of neutrality, in the moment and not 1980. 

This life lesson probably falls under the "drop the rock" category. As we say in Alanon, "How important is it?" The past is the past is the past. Holding on to an old hurt serves no one, especially if it isn't something I'm willing to discuss with the other person(s) involved (or can't because they're no longer with us). This whole "one day at a time" stuff is making more and more sense as I get older. But how, exactly, do I anchor myself in the here and now rather than the "then" or the "someday?" I've been attempting to watch my thoughts, steering them back to the task at hand when I notice myself in "out-there land." 

It is a discipline, this effort at not following the storyline of "coulda, shoulda, woulda," or, where I'm more likely to go, "Planning-ville." Stay in my hula-hoop, which is right around me as I sit, not out there on the sidewalks of next week or next month.

How might you see yourself in relation to strength, endurance, flexibility and balance? What does the concept of personal or spiritual growth mean to you if the concept of "grow or go" is an invitation? Are there lingering resentments you can release after all this time? What helps you stay in the present moment?

* * *

Is it time for a new year inventory as we enter 2025?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.

Be-ing

 Reflecting on something the New Year's Day speaker I listened to said regarding sponsorship - that at 55 years she doesn't have an official sponsor, but does have people she talks to, aka "trusted others" - it struck me that maybe what I fear as resting on my laurels could very well be serenity. Maybe, much like when I retired from the workforce, I can release the energy of striving, striving, striving - always looking to improve in some form or another. Maybe with long-term sobriety, emotional and physical, I can allow myself some space and grace to simply be. Be, while staying aware of the mental blind spot, that retrogressive groove the Big Book warns about, as in lying to myself or others about my motives, shirking responsibilities, forgetting my primary purpose. One day at a time I can seek counsel as needed, and trust the inner wisdom that has brought me this far.

As I marked my 39th sober-versary last week, I thought about all those who impacted that decision - the good friend (still) who suggested my boyfriend (before he was my kinda-ex) tell my grief therapist that I was shooting up, the cousin who sent me Bible verses, her sister who worked with my kinda-ex  to arrange treatment, and that he didn't give up on me despite my despicable behaviors, and even the meth cook lover who suggested it might not be a bad idea to take a break (and who drove me to treatment and took my car home). And, maybe back then, people closed AA meetings by invoking a moment of silence for the alcoholic who still suffers, and just maybe that energy of love was somewhere in the atmosphere, drawing me in before I even knew I needed to change.

Not everything of course - some things are just plain shitty - but quite often what I think of as negative in the moment turns out to have been the best that could've happened, a stepping stone towards things and situations better for me, like the breakup that felt sudden, the job that ended unexpectedly - so many of those big and small happenings that served to redirect my path. 

It has been the many lessons in letting go that have taken me from victim and blame to acceptance. It was probably a decade before I could admit I couldn't likely have stayed sober had my kinda-ex come back once I went through treatment, and a couple of years after the fact to acknowledge that my then- supervisor was spot on about my abilities and motivations. My initial reaction to change I didn't initiate is generally an "Oh no!" clenching and tightening and trying to hang on to energy that has moved on. I once heard "When the horse is dead, get off of it." Not "try to resuscitate it," but simply let go (ha! simply does not mean easy)

Who knows? I do know that it all, "it" including those who had my best interests at heart, like my bestie who drove my mom to Family Day each week when I was in rehab, like the treatment pals who moved into my house as roommates in those crucial post-treatment months, the old guy at the noon meeting who remembered my name when I came back a second time - it all has worked out. As a treatment counselor used to say, "If things were supposed to be any other way, they'd be different."  And with now plenty of life experience under my belt, I can see, in retrospect, that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and that it is good.

How do you relax into being, conscious, but dropping the rock of condemnation? Who contributed to your getting sober? Have you ever thanked them? What are situations you initially thought were the end of the world that turned out for the best? And even if not "for the best," are there lessons learned? Are there any "dead horses" in your life that need to be left alone?

* * *

Is it time for a new year inventory as we enter 2025?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.

Best wishes for the new year

 A happy new year to all - may 2025 be gentle and sober, whatever life on life's terms brings.

We attended the Year End Roundup this past weekend, in Seaside, Oregon - a small (300 attendees?) conference with great speakers this time around. The opening ceremony was a woman playing a lovely Native American flute. As the haunting notes filled the large meeting room, I closed my eyes and said to myself, "Let me be open to what I need to hear this weekend." Crusty long-timer that I am, I can sometimes go into a meeting or conference thinking I know how it will go, and this time telling myself, "I'm in it for the beach." As fate would have it, the weather was terrible, so I didn't even see the ocean until a short walk during a momentary lull between downpours before we headed home. 

And as we say, "Be careful what you wish for," as I did get a couple of strong messages over the weekend. The details don't really matter, though one definitely involved my overconsumption of sugar since Thanksgiving. As a person in the open Alanon meeting said, "Once you know, you know." Dang it. When telling my story, I've sometimes said that sugar was my first drug of choice, and if that's true, what do I do about it? I'm not radical - I'll have jam on toast for example, but I'm definitely of the "one is too many and a thousand is never enough" category when it comes to candy and desserts. One day at a time, one choice at a time. 

The other subtle whisper had to do with resting on one's laurels. Do I do that? Without being obsessive about self-examination/condemnation, can I take a realistic look at my life and my program? Are there places where I'm just going through the motions? I attend a monthly Step group, but tend to do the reading the day before (or morning of). I do have a Secretary position at a couple of small zoom fellowships, have a couple of sponsees, an Alanon sponsor (dual member),,, On the surface it passes muster, but on the inside, in my heart of hearts, I'm just not sure how engaged I am besides the "suit up and show up" portion. To that end, I've asked another long-timer if she's willing to work through the Steps with me, which feels positive. I do know that I can be hard on myself, sometimes using the "searching and fearless" as a hammer rather than a tool, so will be mindful of wearing the program like a loose garment. (I believe that's a biblical reference, but I relate to the imagery of a comfortable pair of pants rather than a wasitband too tight, an open palm vs a fist).

Earlier today, I attended an online speaker meeting with Lila R, who, with 55 years in program, so often speaks to the long-timer. Today she noted that there isn't much left that she hasn't examined. I can heed that and not go looking under rocks for characteristics real or imagined. What needs my attention will present itself. Am I perfect? Of course not. Do I have a general idea of my ism's? Yeah, pretty much. Can I drop the rock of "not enough-ism?" Maybe. Again, one day at a time, one decision at a time as I continue, now and forever, to strengthen my "pause" muscle. Relieve me of the bondage of self, the bondage of impulsivity, the bondage of future-tripping, of thinking I need to know what's next, of thinking I know what's right for you. 

That sounds worse than it actually is. By and large, life is good today, and it's good today because I've been walking the spiritual path of the 12 Steps for a long time. It is good in its simplicity and relative calm. It is good in that I know, I know who my trusted others are. I know in my bones that I am alcoholic, and I know what works for me (which is pretty much what has worked all along).

Again, a very happy new year to you. What might come up if you ask to hear what you need to hear? Is there anything whispering that you'd just as soon ignore? How might you know if you slip into "resting on your laurels" land? Who holds you accountable (and vice versa)? How do you utilize the Steps and principles as tools and not weapons?

* * *

Is it time for a new year inventory as we enter 2025?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.