Powerlessness...

Powerlessness sometimes sucks.

Last week would've been my mother's 90th birthday. She's been gone for a little over 4 years now, and that first birthday, just 4 months after she died, found me drowning in grief, so much so that I didn't even phone my step-dad to see how he was doing. I still feel badly about that, and since then, have made it a point to get together with him on her birthday. He's living in a senior residence these days, and gave up driving last year after one more fender bender that was his fault, and could've been a lot worse.

Jer is on oxygen now, 24/7, and as he struggled to catch his breath after the effort required to get in and out of the car for our dinner date, I found myself angry - at tobacco, cigarettes in particular, and the havoc they've wrought on my family. Two grandparents, both parents, an uncle, an aunt, and now Jer, losing the battle. And it is a battle, this suffocating slowly over time. We definitely have alcoholics in our lineage, but that tobacco demon is the mother of all addictions. I'm angry at my mom for not stopping smoking after my dad died, at Jer not stopping after mom died, at RJ Reynolds for pushing nicotine. I know (I know, I know) that I am powerless over someone else's addictions, and it still pisses me off.

I lately realize, on perhaps a deeper level than whatever surface knowledge I've lived with until now, that I am powerless over the passage of time. There was a period in early sobriety when I figured I'd wasted my entire life by not getting clean until age 31. I was mistaken, and at 32, 42, and even 52, it felt like I had all the time in the world to make up for lost opportunities. And then one day I woke up and was 60 and wondered if I'd made a mistake in not having children. I woke up and was 60, then 61 and 62, thinking about my potential time left on this planet, in this form. Will I ever get to India? Will I write a second book? How long do my husband and I have together before one of us dies? Will I keep my health?

I am powerless over the passage of time and how that shows up in my life and the lives of others - my step-dad's breathing issues, a friend's diagnosis, another friend's exciting road trip, someone else's 70th birthday... All I can really do, and believe me, I am a do-er, is sit still and pay attention, both to their processes and my own.

Life on life's terms shifts and changes over time. When I was younger, I was a striver - another degree, a promotion, a 3rd, 4th and 5th marathon. With this passage of time business, which really does freak me out a bit (wasn't it just a short time ago that we sat in Wilshire Park passing around a bottle of Bali Hai?) I've noticed an ever so slight shifting inward with less focus on attending every opening, seeing every show, saying "yes" to every invitation. I'm in process with this change - at times it feels odd, like I should be maintaining past momentum. What I've been encouraged to do is pay attention to what calls to me, whether that be a new book or a new place to run. If I have a finite amount of time ahead of me, what do I really want to do with it?

Powerlessness can be a blessing and a curse. When I first learned that alcoholism is a disease, and that I would struggle to recover unless I admitted that I was powerless, I felt a wave of relief. I'd always thought that I was supposed to be strong enough to quit with will-power, so learning about the paradox of strength through surrender was literally a life-saver. I don't always feel that same gratitude about my powerlessness over people, places and things, at least not initially. It breaks my heart that my step dad can't breathe. I am powerless over that, but not over how I show up for him.  I am definitely powerless over the passage of time, but not over my attitude. I can sit in fear, or I can be grateful to be on the brink of a new adventure.

I have the choice to either celebrate powerlessness or curse it.  How do you accept life on life's terms?