Trust...

I was asked to hear a 5th step this week. We met at my place, and settled in for a session of honest sharing. We often think of the 4th Step inventory as being where we chronicle our deepest, darkest secrets. Those secrets aren't usually as deep and dark at 20+ years as they were in the beginning, but I never fail to be amazed by the process of one alcoholic trusting another to, not just listen, but truly hear, who we are and where that conflicts with who we want to be.

Usually the 5th steps that I listen to are from people that I sponsor, but not always. Several times over the years, someone I know from one meeting or another will ask me to hear their inventory. In the past, I wasn't the biggest gossip in the world, but keeping confidence wasn't my strong suit either. Enough booze and I was likely to tell you anything about anyone, but no more. The 5th step is a sacrament of sorts - that place where if we can't trust, we'd best find another person to talk with.

Early in recovery I was taught that "what's said in here stays in here" was not merely a suggestion. I'm not free to talk about anyone else's experience but my own, and that includes who I see or don't see at a meeting. Sometimes that gets lost as we come together to socialize as much as for the Steps. But, first and foremost, meetings are about saving my life and the lives of others. Maybe Susie doesn't want her spouse to know she was at that particular nooner. Maybe Al shared something in the meeting that he hasn't yet told his sponsor. Not my business. My business is to listen respectfully. If someone asks for my input, I can give it, being sure to frame it as "this is what worked for me." If I'm simply dying to tell someone what I think about their issue du jour, I can talk to my sponsor about my need to try to influence others. What I can do, asked or otherwise, is offer support and encouragement - Good to hear you share. Please keep coming back. Would you like my phone number?

The poet, David Whyte, has a new book: Consolations - the Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words. Words as varied as Alone, Besieged, Heartbreak, Maturity and Pain each get a few pages of meditative prose. In pondering the 5th step process, I was struck by his reflections on the word Confession, which he describes as "a stripping away of protection, the telling of a truth which might once have seemed like a humiliation, become suddenly a gateway, an entrance to solid ground; even a first step home." A first step home - home to my true self, myself freed of artifice and dishonesty and who I think you want me to be.

The beauty of the 5th step in our recovery program is the equality between listener and speaker. Unlike the relationship between a priest and supplicant, with its definite power imbalance, the relationship between a sponsee and sponsor is of two sober drunks. One might have more time sober than the other, but any judgement or ability to impose penance is missing. The magic of the 5th step often comes when the speaker tells something they view as hideous only to have the listener say, "Oh yeah. I've done that too." The act of being heard and not judged, in our messy humanness, was certainly a new experience for me.

April, this cruelest month of rain and cold here in the Pacific NW, is when I take my yearly inventory (as opposed to the spot check or 10th step). I jokingly told my friend that I should ask my spouse to identify my defects of character, but that isn't really the point. It never did help for someone else to tell me what was "wrong" with me, or what I needed to change. In the 4th and then 5th step, I have the opportunity to get as honest with myself as I can be at that given moment, and in sharing with another person, can get feedback or affirmation that I'm on the right track, or guidance if I'm beginning to drift. The road does get narrower, and the defects more subtle. Doing my best to remain open to the process allows the steps to continue working in my life. Sitting still and listening to another share her inventory allows me to tap into the wonder that is recovery. One drunk helping another, over time.

How has your relationship to trust changed over the years? Who do you go to for support and guidance?