If nothing changes, nothing changes...


This past weekend, I had 2 items on the agenda. One was a memorial service for a woman who was in my Master's program. We graduated in 2000, and for a time, kept in regular contact with a small group. She was also a member of the church that I don't attend very often. As the fates would have it, I went recently, and in our greeting, she let me know that she'd retired, and had never been happier in her life. A month later I learned that she'd had a brain hemorrhage and her family had decided to stop the life support. She was a ray of sunshine.

The second event was an opportunity to hear my step-daughter perform in a chorale competition at a venue 45 minutes away. She sings for us all of the time, but we'd never heard her in an official capacity. I was assured that my grad school friend, who was a total kid-person, would encourage me to go the performance, which I did. Another ray of sunshine.

The point here is that I chose one thing. My general M.O. would've been to go to both, and probably squeeze in a noon meeting for starters. Hit a nooner, change clothes, go to the church for at least the first part of the service, then zoom across the county to the choral competition, not wanting to miss a thing.

That "not wanting to miss a thing" has plagued me since I was a tyke. I remember my dad yelling out, "Slow down, Jeanine!" as I'd dash from the bathroom to the ball game on the street, still pulling up my pants as I hit the door. Slow down, Jeanine. For the longest time I figured that the rest of you just needed to hurry up a little! And, my journals, since 1986, are filled with exhaustion and anxiety and concern that there was too much to do. Too many good things, I might add, but too much. I finally acknowledged that I make my own schedule. No one comes along and writes in my date book while I'm not looking.

Change requires change. I can't righteously complain about "too much to do" as I willingly cram more into my schedule. Recently, several planned events were cancelled, and then I was hit broadside by a head cold that had me flattened for over a week. Hmmm. What do they say about being careful what you pray for? Maybe the Universe is doing for me what I've been unwilling to do for myself.

These troubles, if indeed they are troubles, are definitely of my own making and have to do with finding that sweet spot of balance. Not enough on the agenda and I'm stupefied. Too much, and I'm agitated. I believe it has something to do with "one day at a time." I can enjoy what's on my schedule today. It's when I start looking at the coming two weeks that I freak out. It keeps coming back to staying in the moment. And I'll keep writing about it until I don't need to write about it anymore. I'm tired of complaining about the same tired defects of character. Courage to change the things I can, and acceptance of those parts of myself that are apparently here for the duration. Exhaling...

Thank you, dear reader, for listening. What areas do you continue to struggle with in long term recovery? How do you move towards acceptance of all of yourself?