October sure zoomed by! This coming weekend I’ll gather with our Step Group to discuss how we applied, and were mindful of Step 10 during the month – Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Not “if we were wrong,” but “when.”

As I’d mentioned, I attended a women’s conference earlier in the month. The speaker who addressed 10 & 11 really nailed the concept of the daily, spot check and yearly inventory with practical guidelines. I often say that my gut is my Step 10 – I know when I’ve said or done something that goes against my values. I always have, though did my best to outrun or ignore my guilt in the past. The Big Book talks about that - how we act out when drinking, then drink to cover up the shame over acting out – a vicious cycle. I cringed when I first heard someone say, “When I know better, I have to do better,” because there were still a few areas where self-will was in control. But, these days I do know better... 

So yes, my gut is my warning bell, and I benefit from a more formal inventory on a regular basis or as triggered by a situation or event. Not everyone does, but I find the act of putting pen to paper extremely helpful in getting to the root of my usually self-induced discomfort. Where have I been selfish, self-centered, fearful or resentful? What about impulsive, self-righteous, impatient? Am I acting on the same defect(s) or defenses that I don’t like in you? It always comes back to that – the spiritual axiom that if I’m upset with you, it is really about me.Sometimes all I need to recognize my part is a pause, a step back. Sometimes a phone call to my sponsor or a trusted other is in order, and sometimes it is in hearing someone else speak their truth in a meeting that brings the “a-ha” moment. My “a-ha” moments are frequently accompanied by a “darn it!” as in, “here I am again,” but that leap from defense to return to sanity is a shorter ride these days. When we say that “the road gets narrower” in long term recovery, it means that the old excuses and justifications don’t work anymore. I’m less able to B.S. myself, which results in fewer attempts to B.S. you. When I know better, I have to do better.

It’s Halloween, which used to be a MAJOR drinking occasion, weeknight or not. I have an old photo of myself in costume, probably 2 bars in to a 4 bar night in about 1983. Oy. My first sponsor used to say, “You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, Jeanine.” Let’s just say that I didn’t know much. Thank you Higher Power, for sanity and sobriety.

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I feel the need to veer, just for a moment, into the area of current events. I am sickened and heartbroken by this last week's news - the brutal assassination in Istanbul, pipe bombs, the massacre at the synagogue in Pittsburgh, and the killing of two African-American people at a grocery store, gunned down because of their race. Our program has no opinion on outside issues, but I do. I am a human, and I hurt with these reports of one heinous act after another. In the meeting I attended yesterday, we were reminded of self-care, and our primary purpose, which is to stay sober. Yes, and, I need the "courage to change the things I can." I can vote. I can double down on self care so that I'm able to show up where needed and not just curl up in a ball. I can talk with like-minded others, not in an ain't-it-awful way, but with an eye to solutions. As one person, I don't have much power, but I am clinging to the idea that there are more people in this country who have love in their hearts than hate.

How do you process disturbing news, whether in your personal life, or the national stage? How do the Steps help you identify the things you cannot change versus the things you can?