Stark, cold, gray and bleak - January in all her glory. I appreciate the sense of beginning in January, cold, wet and dark before the return of spring, along with the reminder of Step One - I admit I am powerless over the weather and my life becomes unmanageable when I pretend otherwise.

There is a sense of relief with my yearly re-focus on Step One. Powerless, over so much - alcoholism, the effects of someone else's drinking, people, places, things. Step One can feel both freeing and terrifying, annoying, and a relief, depending on my perspective and the situation. From the grasping illusion of control, admitting powerlessness makes me mad - what do you mean, I can't fix this? When I've hit my head against the wall of that illusion long enough, Step One offers blessed solace - oh yeah, I'm really not in charge. Someone once suggested that when I have a resentment, it's because I've forgotten that I'm powerless. To that, I say, "yes," and, that some habits are harder to let go of than others.

In one of my meetings this week, a member shared something she'd read - there are really only three prayers: "Help," "Thank you," and "Wow." I've heard different version of that, as in: God does answer prayers - sometimes with a "yes", sometimes with "no," sometimes "not now", and sometimes, "here is something better." I love the notion of the "Wow." I so often limit myself with what I think I need, when Higher Power has a much grander plan.

At the beginning, when I was advised to "Trust the Process," I'd retort, "Screw the process!" because I had absolutely no idea what was meant by a)  trust and b) "process."  I was a fairly concrete thinker (still can be), so the idea of trusting something I couldn’t see or grab on to was foreign. I could believe in the concept of a Higher Power (hello crystal meth and cheap vodka), and was willing to explore an actual relationship with a loving and caring Power, but trusting that all was working out exactly the way it was supposed to, took time. Time, and inventory; time and hearing others speak of their experiences; time and my own unfolding examples of what happens when I get out of the way.

In one of the meetings I chaired for my anniversary last week, the topic was "What keeps you coming back?" Several members shared that they keep coming back because they are excited to see what happens next. Woo whooo! As my focus shifts from the external of "strive!" to the internal search for conscious contact, am I excited to see what's next? Getting older physically is a weird place of hopeful anticipation, coupled with the realization that I'm closer to the ending of the story than the beginning. I do have things on the horizon to be excited about, and I will do my best to be open to possibility, more specifically, possibilities that aren’t yet in my view. Suit up and show up, and see what happens next! Wow! 

What feelings come up when you imagine the "Wow!" of answered prayer?