Yesterday, New Year's Day, I went for an early, 5am jog. A few blocks from our house, I came upon a man getting out of a cab, wavering to his front door. I got to my 7am meeting, a strong group of hearty souls out early on a frosty morning, then a quick shop at the nearly deserted grocery store. I love my early mornings, especially when I'm reminded of the joy of waking up without a hangover. I used to marvel at the newspaper's tips for avoiding the morning after - nowhere did it say, "Don't drink."

As I prepare for this dawning of 2019, with fresh journal, unmarked calendars, and a scheduled Tarot reading, I don't have the drive towards self-improvement that usually fuels my new year's thoughts. From the time I was a kid, and well into recovery, it has been "Do Better! Be Better! Lose 10 Pounds!" as if some magic formula would quiet the restlessness inside. What if what I am is enough?

The Alanon literature speaks to this self-acceptance, the idea that I can't change a particular trait until I first accept it with loving compassion. When I come at myself with fists clenched for battle, I can't win. It is only with the open palm that healing occurs. Also, Higher Power can't remove defects of character that I still actively engage in (i.e. it's not old behavior if I'm still doing it). But if I'm overly focused on what NOT to do, there is little room for change. Holding a positive intention seems to be more effective than the long list of "thou shalt not's."

Which is not to say that I don't have stuff that needs attention. For example, I have an internal sense of time urgency that my spouse doesn't share. On Sunday morning, when we were both headed to different places, I felt my anxiety rising because of fear that he would be late. I was able to recognize it (name it, claim it, tame it) and move on. The recovery tool of speaking what is in my mind to take away the power doesn't only apply to thoughts of using.

We were at the beach for the Year-End Roundup this past weekend, enjoying speakers and good times with friends. The North Coast is full of memories, from childhood forward, including recollections of my ex and his house in Tolovana: all night cocaine binges and 6am Monday mornings racing to get me to work in Portland, as well as the gift of using the house for sober slumber parties after treatment. I drove down there, from Seaside, through sideways rain, writing a letter of amends and gratitude that I later burned in my backyard. Even though all the words had been said over the years, writing it out felt good and necessary, and helped me clear my internal slate as I approach another sobriety anniversary.

In the meeting yesterday morning, a member shared that "Recovery is in the returning." Returning to meetings, to the breath, to the moment. Returning to memories as a window into today (where I've been and where I am now). Returning to the understanding that of myself, I am nothing. I need the "we" of the program, the "we" of my relationship with Spirit. Staying actively engaged with the 12 Steps allows me to walk through the hard times, and the easy times, which, for me, are often more dangerous than the valleys. I know what to do with grief, with fear, but it is joy and the routines of daily life that sometimes have me forgetting the Source of my serenity.

I'm grateful to have had a few days off as the calendar turns, with little on the agenda. I greet the new year with hopeful anticipation, and only a short list of "To-do's."  How about your? What goals or intentions have you set for 2019?