In a recent meeting, the topic was fear as related to Step 3, making a decision to turn our will and life over to the care of god as we understand god.  Fear - the driver of so many alcoholic decisions, before and after recovery, the "chief activator of our character defects." Grasping, attempts to control, inertia, impulsivity, process addictions (gambling, sex, spending) - all could be traced back to fear, which is where the 4th Step comes in so handy. If I can shine the light of reason on what I'm afraid of, my chances of making a rational decision increase. Once again, the pause...

When I think of Step 3, I always refer to my initial surrender - a Step 3 moment before I knew what that was, on my knees, crying out, "F*** it, God! I can't do this anymore -you take over." In that moment, I wasn't thinking about what the decision meant, or what my part of the bargain was - just that I was broken and needed help.

Early on, someone in my home group told me to read the 3rd Step prayer, on my knees, every morning. He suggested reading it, as his sponsor had instructed him, to avoid the temptation to alter the intention of the prayer. I'm all about altering, so I didn't follow that instruction, and I don't always get on my creaky old knees these days, but I have said some form of the 3rd Step prayer every morning for decades. What I realized while listening to others share their experiences in the meeting on Friday is that Step 3 has two distinct components.

At its most basic, Step 3 is a daily practice, an intellectual exercise in self-discipline designed to remind me that I'm not in charge of the orbit of the earth, or those within my personal realm. Step 3, as I practice it most days, serves to get my mind right before I head out the door. I may slip the minute I get behind the wheel, but it is easier to come back to center when I've started the day with my morning ritual of turning my life over to HP.

But, or rather, and, Step 3 is also a profound emotional event - a gut wrenching surrender that culminates in Step 7 (3 = the decision, 7 = the "here I am, God"). As much as I've tried over the years, I cannot conjure up that moment of giving up, of letting go. I cannot change myself. I repeat, for my own benefit, I cannot change myself, no matter how hard I pray, in just the right way, no matter how many books I read or workshops I attend. What I can do is make myself ready to be changed. I can prepare my heart and mind for the grace of Spirit so that I'm aware enough to feel it when it happens.

I rather like that the Steps are both an intellectual discipline and an emotional yielding. As we are told in the literature, "the spiritual life is not a theory," wafting down from the ether. As a fiery speaker exhorted in the same Step 3 meeting, we can't just read about the Steps, or think about them - we must work the program in order to experience results. It is not just about staying sober, people. We could do that by sitting on our hands. Truly working this spiritual program means that sometimes I am uncomfortable with the awarenesses that tap my shoulder; it means that sometimes I am bored and sometimes energized. Working the program means that while I remember vividly what it was like, that is not where I live today.

I don't wrestle the same fears I came in with. But Step 3 is no less meaningful with my "luxury problems" as when I desperately cried out, "Please keep me clean & sober today!" How has your experience of Step 3 changed over the years?  How do you utilize spiritual discipline to prepare you for the spiritual experience?