And the beat goes on...  I made a conscious effort this week to mix it up a little - got to a couple of meetings I don't usually attend, and went to a church service with a friend in lieu of my home group. None of these were earth shattering, but it was good to shake up the routine just a bit. Funny thing about routine - I thrive with structure, and after a while, structure can be mind-numbing. I find myself  asking, "What day is it?" when the alarm goes off. Is this a running day, or a gym day, morning Alanon day, or an early-to-work day? Is it drag-ass Tuesday, or whoosh! Friday already? And the beat goes on.

Actually, one of the meetings I hit was my home group for at least a decade. I used to live for that group and lunch after as we supported members through having babies, an end of life journey, coming out in public for the first time, marriages and divorces, relapses and recovery. It was a home group in the best sense of the word. And then, one day it seemed, the meeting shifted. It got huge, and the demographics no longer felt like my peers, so, a friend and I started another meeting, which has been growing strong for a long time now. For years, that group fed me, and hopefully, I gave back, but then it, too, felt like more of an obligation than a joy and I shifted, yet again. Such is the nature of recovery - mine anyway. Noticing discomfort, taking a look at my contribution to my dis-ease, and making a decision to stay or go. That in itself is such a process - do I need to write inventory, or simply take a nap? 

In any event, it felt really good, warm and comfortable to walk into that former home group, in a new setting, with so many familiar faces. I was greeted with a hug by one of the members, who was a kid in treatment when I worked with youth decades ago, telling me he'd thought of me this past week while at Multnomah Falls. (Don't tell anyone, but I let one of the teens parallel park the extended van on an outing, after three pitiful attempts on my part.)

After the meeting I had a reassuring talk with a former sponsor and old friend. A few years my senior in the program, she shared that she'd also been feeling a little flat about AA recently. As we agreed, our desire to pull back from meetings isn't about getting out and doing other exciting things, it's about the desire to be home, just puttering around. Goals shift and change over the lifespan, and being "out amongst 'em," as my dad used to say, just doesn't hold the appeal it once did. Home, good books, boxes of photos to sort, cooking a tasty meal, watching a movie... that is the draw today.

And the draw today also has to do with on-going spiritual growth, which I can’t get sitting at home with a movie, or my Big Book – they used to call that “pipe-lining,” when it’s just me and HP. I need people, living examples of recovery in action. Just this week, in my early morning group, an old resentment was triggered. As I internally fumed with justification for my anger, I got smacked upside the head with an understanding of my part in the situation. That’s not what I was expecting when I woke up that morning. I would’ve been content to carry that resentment for a long time, but here I am, letting go. I likely wouldn’t have come to that surrender at home cooking dinner - I needed to hear what other people shared about their experience with troubling relationships in order to see a bigger picture. OK, God, I get it – “We” not “me.”

 Happy Summer Solstice, dear readers - wishing everyone a peaceful and enjoyable season. Where are you with any lingering resentments? Are there places in your life, or your program, that would benefit from a gentle shake-up?