A couple of weeks ago I crossed paths with a running acquaintance. We've seen each other on various courses over the years, and share a hairdresser. She's now 75 and still doing the deal, though shifted to walking 6 months ago. She asked if I were walking full time now. I joked about my slow jog (slog) but it both stung and motivated me. In my mind, I'm still a runner, though she isn't the first person to ask if I'm enjoying my walk. I've blown the others off, but I value this woman's view as she's seen me over the 25 years I've been out there. What I realized is that if I'm going to call myself a runner, I need to run. I saw her again this week, and she may not have noted it, but I was 7 minutes faster on an 8 miler than 2 weeks ago, so obviously I was walking last time, no matter what I tell myself. To run faster, you need to run faster.

This made me think of the creative process as well as the recovery process. If I call myself a writer, I need to write. My novel, Shadows & Veins, took years to complete as I initially waited for inspiration to strike. And then I learned that you just need to sit down and do it, sometimes poorly sometimes soaring, but do it. So, if I'm a writer, I need to write. If I call myself a friend, I need to pick up the phone every once in a while. If I say I am in recovery, I need to do recovery things. This looks different for everyone, and for me, means that I strive to leave a clean life on all levels - emotional, physical and spiritual. 

Sometimes that is complex and sometimes very simple. I'm thinking of the trite little sayings that, over time, have gotten stuck in my head like the jingle from an old TV commercial. Keep it Simple. Easy Does It. Think.  Also, the acronyms - STOP = Spirit, Take Over Please. ISM = I sponsor Myself (as in, not a good idea). FEAR, which has many incarnations - F*** Everything And Run; Face Everything And Recovery, and what I heard this week: Future Events Already Ruined. Oh my god - how often do I pollute an upcoming experience with the "what if's?" (which are nearly always negative). 

Living clean means making the conscious effort to eat well, get enough sleep, get up from my desk every hour to move around. It means spending time each day in prayer and meditation, keeping commitments to my sponsees, showing up. It also means all the different ways I've internalized our recovery program, from those silly slogans to the gut-check. One day at a time, it means an "attitude of gratitude."

An old memory was triggered today when someone spoke of his significant other overdosing, and his fears as he prodded her awake. It made me think of a time that my lover overdosed and I found him beginning to turn blue. I'd like to say that I immediately jumped into action, but must admit that I hesitated. If I called an ambulance, I might go to jail for the drug-making equipment in my basement. He surely would. Luckily, he came to, and lived for a few more years before the disease claimed him. I am beyond grateful today that the trauma and drama of active addiction is merely a memory. And Richard E, I sincerely hope that you are resting in peace.

What are your various labels? Are you doing what you are called to do in your heart? If not, where can you carve out time for yourself and your inclinations? What does it mean to you to live clean?