"Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step." from Sermons on the Couch, 8/23/26
A few weeks ago I mentioned an acquaintance who said she loves a spiritual nudge, in response to my saying I've felt a bit off. I'm realizing that I don't necessarily welcome the nudge, the nudge that often means stepping outside my comfort zone. That comfort zone is WAY bigger than when I first got sober, but the edges are still there, whispering, "No!" or "Beware!"
Many years ago now, a friend introduced me to Runes, the small stones that can be used to access my inner wisdom, much like Tarot cards. When I got my own set, I repeatedly pulled the stone described as "disruption," and within the next couple of years, the boyfriend left, the job ended abruptly, I moved, people died...In retrospect, other than losing people, the endings were gifts, the Universe doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. And.... there is still a part of me that imagines the "nudge" as a push off a cliff. I'm not a great fan of the unknown. Sure, give me a nudge, but maybe along with a preview or a map!
And then one of those crazy coincidences showed up. For a year or so I've been vaguely considering attending lectures a local university puts on for seniors (as in elders). It's near my house, some of the topics look interesting.... maybe someday. I'd gone so far as to track down the webpage last Sunday morning and penciled in the upcoming orientation - one step at a time. And then, in my Sunday in-person group, a woman came over to chat about the Eugene conference, morphing into chit chat about being introverts. Seemingly out of nowhere, she mentioned that she participates in the adult learning program I'd just looked up. A cosmic connection, or perhaps a spiritual nudge??
And, on Friday, when I reminded the meeting acquaintance about her spiritual nudge comment, she replied, "I said that??" and we agreed that it's probably best to pull that nudge in close, just to keep an eye on it! Always the reminder that I'll know what I need to know. In the meantime, I'll attend the orientation for the adult learning program...
I recently read The Measure of My Days by Florida Scott-Maxwell. Written in 1979, when the author was in her 80's, it is essentially her journal of aging. While parts felt dry, and I'll admit to skipping ahead, I was interested in how she described "the paradox of old age, where the physical body grows frail, yet the inner mind and passions burn brightly." I'm not there yet, but I will admit to having books and papers and boxes of photographs that I imagine myself spending time with "when I'm old."
Before I get "old" - ha ha, "older," I am committed, right here on the page, to getting my affairs in order. Essentially they are, in that I've prepaid my funeral expenses and have a will, but would my spouse or brother know where to find those documents? What about the bills that come to my personal email? I often tell my husband that I need to know what of his belongings and collections are important, but I need to do the same. What of my trinkets or tchotchkes are actual collectibles or have family history significance and what are simply memories that only have meaning for me?
I'm not exactly on the verge of Swedish Death Cleaning or becoming a minimalist, however, I certainly can tidy up. A friend once told me how he and his siblings labeled items in their mother's house, so they'd know who got what when she passed. I could do the same. For example, who would appreciate the 2nd edition Big Book that a cousin passed on to me from her grandmother? Is my box full of ticket stubs worth anything more than the stories I attach to the events? In a box, somewhere in the back of a closet, sits the pair of shoes I wore climbing inside one of the pyramids at Giza in Egypt, the absolute coolest thing I'd done in life up to that point. And... essentially, it's a pair of old shoes in a box. Should I frame them in a shadow box? Hang them on a wall? How about take a picture, then put in a donation box? Even thinking about digitalizing the photos from that time, I ask, "Why?" To look at when I'm "old"? To save for who?
On one of those many pieces of paper floating around my desk are notes I took from a de-clutter post. What strikes me today is "Memories live in you, not in things." That can be tough for this daughter of a Depression Era mom. Things can act as a prompt for memory, whether my original Big Book with treatment pals autographs or an ashtray from my first trip to the UK.. I guess part of it might be to consider that if I don't have a memory without seeing the thing, maybe it isn't such an important memory after all.
Some memories will likely never fade - like those triggered by the 40 year old scars from shooting up , or the photo that reminds me of the time my brother and I smoked pot together for the first time (after burying our dad in the sand at the beach). I drove to the coast yesterday for brunch with my first sponsor, and that particular stretch of highway has many memories, from childhood to the drinking days and recovery.
It was great to connect with my former sponsor. She had three-ish years when we met, and I though she walked on water! I'm grateful for the wisdom and gentle guidance she shared and that I still draw on. It's pretty simple - don't drink and go to meetings, and "you either grow or you go." Like me, she's a meeting go-er. Why would I stop doing what works?
Where in your life might you be feeling a spiritual nudge? How might you remain open to whatever the Universe is trying to tell you, however subtle that might be? Are your affairs in order? If not, what is a small action you could take, "just in case"? What did you learn from your first sponsor, or early meetings, that still ring true today?
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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table
