The message that I'm getting loud and clear these days is about Step One and all that I am powerless over.  Step One would be excruciating if we had to live there. Coming to that place of utter defeat is exhausting, for us and the people who love us. Think of your own hitting bottom – the lies (to self & others), the hangovers, the “pitiful & incomprehensibles” that are painfully specific to each of us, that feeling of being absolutely shattered. And then think about the times you’ve hit an emotional bottom in recovery – around relationships, jobs, illness, other addictions, family history – again, flattened by the awareness that one more time, I’ve been doing the same thing while expecting different results (which for me at the moment would be operating under the illusion that "I've got this.")

The beauty of the 12 Step program is that there is a way out. Hitting bottom can be, though not always, the impetus for change.  And the way out begins with Step Two.

I was “raised” to think of the group as the “power greater” than myself referenced in Step Two. To me, the important component of Two is that I can be restored to sanity, whether that is via a belief in a higher power, or your own inner resources. I’ve never questioned the sanity piece – my behavior in regards to substances was absolutely insane. Being restored means that I had it once. I do believe that my true nature is healthy and whole. That may have gotten twisted fairly early when adrenaline, boys and cheap wine became my higher powers, but it was there all along. My soundness of mind goes askew these days when I forget my calm and peaceful center, which is easy to do with so much going on. In my AM Alanon meeting yesterday, the topic was surrender, and every time someone said, "Things will work out the way they'll work out" I felt the internal "Yay, but..."  I am grateful for the sense of humor that caught myself. It didn't make me any less sad or worried, but it did allow a step back so that the overwhelm had an escape valve. Oh yeah. This isn't all up to me.

In another example of powerlessness, and the loss that will come to us all, I attended a memorial on Friday for a grade school classmate, who along with her husband of 45+ years, another classmate, stayed in the area. There are a handful of us in or near the old neighborhood, some in the houses we grew up in, some not. This person and I were never particularly close, but she and her husband were fixtures – we’d see each other at the grocery store, at the doctor’s office, at the many class reunions over the years…  There is something to be said for continuity, for that feeling of having grown up together with a similar frame of reference. Relationships matter. Relationships over time matter. I feel the same way about those I’ve grown up with in the program, as well as those who are no longer with us – Leonard C, dragging on a cigarette outside the meeting, Norm B, the cheerful unofficial greeter at the daily nooner, Ila, always dressed to the nines. And my peers – I see a fellow from the class of ’85-’89 in meetings and he always brings up my late 1980's New Year’s Eve parties, with a meeting at midnight.

In times of emotional upheaval, big or small, it can be helpful for me to take those deep breaths of connection to the earth, of connection to my history and the people in it, of connection and acknowledgement of all I am grateful for.  Today that includes gratitude that my sweet spouse is responding well to week two of treatment, with minimal side effects, and for the many friends and family members who are showing their support. Today gratitude includes this blog space where we can connect in the ether of the internet. 

What is on your gratitude list today? How does Step Two move you towards remembering your true nature?