I’ve attended a new-to-me women’s meeting twice now, and plan to make it a regular. I will admit that women’s meetings have not been my thing. With very little sense of self growing up, I bought in to the cultural construct that I was merely the sum of my sexual parts, which meant that there was always someone cuter, sexier, etc etc, which set me up to see other women as the enemy. I’ve been envious of those who talk about their strong connection to women’s circles. It has been a journey to get to a place where I feel like I fit.

This leads me to reflect on various other things I’ve told myself about who I was, as well as who I wasn’t, what I liked and what I didn’t. Many years ago now, I started running, at least partly prompted by my boyfriend, who consistently won races or placed in his age group. The first time I ran five miles, we stood sweating on the front porch and he said, “And you told me you weren’t an athlete!” I started to cry, because I’d always told myself I wasn’t an athlete, told myself that sports were stupid. If this wasn’t actually the case, what else might be false? The belief that I was somehow deficient? The conviction that I’d never be able to say more than, “I’m Jeanine and I’m an alcoholic,” in a meeting without crying? That I’m probably not capable of a healthy relationship, so why keep trying? That I was forever, though subtly damaged by growing up in an alcoholic household? That I was too fat, not tall enough, blah blah blah.

Through trying it, I discovered that I love running. I’m not particularly “good” at it – i.e. I am super slow – but by taking a small risk and saying, “ok” I’ve come to love being out in the early mornings, on  streets or on trails, entering races in beautiful places, in groups or alone. I’m paying attention to the inner voice that says “I miss distance running” and will sign up for the Portland Marathon in October – one step at a time.  I’d long told myself that speaking, even in a meeting but definitely at the podium, was not for me – and then I got asked. I don’t do it often (thank goodness – I’m a nervous speaker), but I didn’t die. And that’s it, right? A friend once said he’d rather die than be embarrassed. That fear of embarrassment is often at the core of my saying, “Not me. Not this time. Not ever.”

Thank goodness for time in recovery – time, and evidence to the contrary. Recovery has been a series of stepping just beyond my comfort zone – feeling the fear and doing it anyway – and learning one of our prime directives of not judging my insides by other people’s outsides. People often tell me they appreciate how calm I am. Good grief – if they only knew how rattled I feel inside much of the time! That leads me to understand that other people most likely have some of the same fears and insecurities that I do. Not everyone, but enough to know that I’m not alone. These days, I’m better able to catch myself when the inner committee tries to tell me, “I can’t.”

As we near the end of week 3 of my husband's radiation & chemo, and my friend begins his series of radiation, I again (& always) focus on self care. What I'm realizing is that I can define self care in the moment, recognizing that it might change day-to-day, hour to hour. Some days it will mean going for an early run, and other days, skipping that in order to get to work or stay out of a downpour. Some days it will mean hitting my regular meetings, while compassionate duty could mean staying in. This is a new adventure for me - caring for two people on similar journeys though with distinctly different destinations. One day at a time, I get what I need so that I can be there for others.  As I contemplated the lessons I am being presented with at the moment, I remembered what an old timer used to say - "If things were supposed to be any other way, they'd be different." Damn it. I used to hate it when they were right. These days, I'm grateful for the wisdom that I tucked away for times I'd need reminders that all is well, right here, right now.

Thinking about your own recovery journey, what have you told yourself about who you are or aren’t that has proven untrue? Are there any of those core beliefs that hamper you today? What might life be like if you let that go?