I was reminded, yet again this past week that, despite my best efforts to “manage well,” I don’t always know what’s next. I want to. I plan. I imagine scenarios, either best or worst case, but the Universe, gently or not so gently, lets me know I’m not in charge.  For example, when we had people over for the holidays in December, I had absolutely no idea that my spouse would get a cancer diagnosis the very next day leading to a month of appointments and treatments. January did not play out the way I’d anticipated. On another front, the scenario for my friend who has a more serious cancer diagnosis, has changed dramatically with the addition of an extra support person, and hopeful news in the chemo department.  

I think of all the times that I thought a job or a relationship would last “forever” or that a “bestie” would always be that. I think of times I was certain I couldn’t do whatever was in front of me, or that X,Y,Z would never arrive. Silly me. This ties into last week’s post about faulty beliefs. Add to the list of what isn’t true: Can see into the future. Nope. I get it – early humans survived via our ability to anticipate. It’s when I act like my anticipator is a crystal ball that my instincts go awry.

In the documentary "Finding Joe" about the philosopher Joseph Campbell, I was reminded of the archetypal hero’s journey that involves a call to adventure,  a departure from the ordinary,  an initiation of some sort, usually involving an obstacle, and eventually, the return home, with a new or stronger sense of self. No crystal ball involved - just suiting up and showing up and doing the next right thing. The battle is always with our inner demons, though that can show up as a lost job, a diagnosis, a break up, etc. It's not the situation, but my response to it that is the hero's journey. I can look back at several times when everything I believed about who I am was upended, most dramatically when addiction took me to the depths, but several times more subtly since then.  Every single time I’ve been faced with the impossible, I’ve survived and thrived. As we're told, the only way through is to lean in to the fear/grief/sadness/etc. Running does not help. Running does not fix whatever emotion it is I’d like to avoid.  And, I've been shown this past week that all I really need to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, get enough sleep and eat (mostly) right, and things work out.

One of my cousins, who has recently come out on the positive side of his own cancer journey, suggested that my husband and I “try to do something fun every day.” We’re simple people, so our something fun might just be sharing an evening on the couch, or like this weekend, inviting my (our) friend over to share Super Bowl snacks and radiation stories.  I don’t find it beneficial to try to figure out the life lesson I’m in the middle of, but I am being mindful of appreciating the beauty and humor in life, whether that is almost-spring flowers, or the shared morbid laughter when I went with my friend to pre-pay his end-of-life expenses (something to consider – I did mine after my mom died) and he said, “I don’t give a f*** because I’ll be dead!” when asked about his final wishes. Sometimes you have to laugh at the absurdity of it all. We live and then we die - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes after a full & rich life, and sometimes from a life that leaves us wondering about our choices or the hand that was dealt  (though that "coulda, shoulda, woulda" is a dead end road I try not to travel, other than to do my best to bring a smile to those I interact with each day).

Reflecting back on your own hero's journey(s), how were your changed? What strengths do you have that you weren't aware of before you began?  And if you were to try to do something fun each day, what might that be today?