In meetings, we often talk about where we are broken. Learning to know my truth, and gain the courage to say it out loud in a supportive environment, has been imperative in the healing process.  I was the type of alcoholic who’d tell you anything about everything with a few drinks under my belt, and even in recovery, sometimes went “to the hardware store for bread” (from Courage to Change) in sharing my heart with those who couldn’t hear it. But, learning to say, “I’m scared,” or “I hurt,” or “I’ve never done this before” to a sponsor or at group level, has proven over and over the capital "T" Truth that speaking up takes the power out of whatever is swirling around my mind. In the early years that was probably telling a friend about a crush, or sharing with my sponsor fears around upcoming conversations, or telling my home group that I’d had a drinking dream. These days, it is often around places where I feel overwhelmed, or less than capable, or grieving. And the Truth still fits - sharing brings the “we” into the places where the “me” is floundering.

I sometimes hear people who are on the fence about recovery say, “All they do is complain or talk about drinking in meetings!” Not true, usually…  I do think it is important to share my successes as well as the rough spots. I needed (& still need) to hear, “I made it!” or “I got the job!” or “I feel great today!” which all let me know that “stupid, boring and glum” was not a requirement of sobriety. I was in a meeting in D.C. years ago when a guy said, “My sponsor told me if I’m not having a least a little fun, I’m doing something wrong!” 

I am having at least a little fun, and  will acknowledge that I’m not getting to my usual meetings based on the life-on-life’s-terms we’re dealing with at home. While I’ve had a few moments where I could almost hear the whisper, “Don’t bother going at all,” I feel it is important to maintain the habit. If I don’t go at all, it becomes too easy to not go at all, which isn’t where I want to end up when this current health crisis is over.  And so, I suit up and show up where and when I can, and share what is going on. Sometimes I hesitate about sharing again, but I was once told that we talk about what we need to talk about, until we don't need to talk about it anymore. Sometimes the details are best shared with a trusted other, but I still feel the relief in talking at group level, either specifics or in a general way. 

People keep asking, “How are you?” in relation to my spouse’s and my friend’s illnesses. I’m ok and not ok. I’m sad and grateful, overwhelmed and content – changing from day-to-day. This has been a tough week on my guys, which translates to a tough week for me. I was told to “take care of myself,” which can feel like one more thing on the To-Do list, and it was suggested that I let go of some of my tasks. But I can't let go of my emotions. I’m a feeler, an empath, and I can’t simply turn that on and off. Poor fellow sitting next to me in our Tuesday morning meeting made the mistake of asking how I’m doing - cue the waterworks. I’m mostly ok most days, with moments of intense sadness. Powerlessness sucks. Side effects of chemotherapy suck. Those I care about being in physical pain sucks.

In some respects, I feel like I’m in a holding pattern – my husband’s treatment is winding down (though it will be a while before he’s on the mend), my friend’s chemo is every 3 weeks (though if the side effects don’t abate, might be less frequent) and I’m now about 100 days from retirement. I’m going through the motions in some respects, staying mindful of Step One, grateful for Step Two, and making the daily decision in Step Three. What I can also do, right here, right now, is pay attention. I can pay attention to daffodils and daphne in the yard. I can notice when my shoulders are hunched and I'm holding my breath. I can look out beyond the windshield of my brain to soak in the beautiful blue skies as spring approaches. I can re-set with the slogans - most prominently this week, "This, too, shall pass."

How are you today? Are you noticing the beauty around you, or the turmoil in your mind? How can you use the Steps and Tools of the program to re-set? What do you see, or what do you know, when you pause and pay attention?

NOTE: “I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page to view the link to PayPal.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information