“It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another – it is one damn thing over and over.”  Edna St. Vincent Millay

I read the above in one of my daily readers this past week, and I have to say, that’s what I've felt like as the endless rains of a Portland winter just kept coming. That’s what I felt when a client asked to talk with me in the day room about something he doesn’t like – it struck me, as I smiled and nodded, that I’ve had that exact same conversation, in the exact same spot with 147 guys over the years. The same damn thing, over and over. Ha!

Day-to-day life can be routine. Thank goodness. I like a certain amount of order. But sometimes I catch myself as I put on water for my morning tea, feed the cats, run or not depending on the day of the week, check email, etc. that I could be doing this in my sleep. It sometimes feels like I am doing it in my sleep. Clearly, it is nearing my time to go. My quest is to stay engaged for these last few months of work, understanding that my life will have boring moments once I retire too! But, at least initially, they’ll be new boring moments:  moments of “what should I do next?” vs “I need to squeeze all this in before/after work” moments, or I've already done this 384,000 times. 

I operate best in the daily grind when I have something to look forward to – a trip, an occasion, a friend date. That’s why I’ve decided to move my retirement 11 days sooner, why I’m planning a summer dance party to celebrate, why I’m signing up for a marathon training group, why I’m excited for our trip to the International in Detroit…  Routine and structure are good, and “one damn thing over and over” can make me want to stick a fork in my eye. Obviously, I’ve got the winter blahs, even though we’ve had a pretty mild season here in the NW. That being said, the sun did come out this week – what a difference to my mood!

On another note, in the Feb 2 post on the AA Agnostica site, Bethany D writes about the importance of community and relationship to recovery, as opposed to sobriety being bestowed from on high. Yes, very much so. To me “god” = life force, the positive flow of energy that, when I avail myself of it rather than fighting upstream, allows me to live in a way that is healthy for myself and others. If I could understand it, I wouldn’t be able to relax into the mystery. Is “it” outside myself? I don’t think so. Is this life force in the trees and sunsets? Yes. Is it in the laughter and tears in our meetings? Definitely. I don’t get too caught up in the arguments of god/no god. I am in long term recovery and have maintained one day at a time based on what I do and don’t do. I don’t hang out in bars or with dope fiends. I strive to live with integrity. I try to remember that I am not running the show. I do my best (scratching & kicking sometimes) to surrender to what is rather than what I want.

My good friend, the Tarot Card Lady, reminds us today that "The journey is everything. It is the only thing." Frustrations, joys, dirty dishes, laughter, blooming crocus, memories, traffic - ALL OF IT is a gift when I choose to view life as a lesson rather than an ordeal.

 Happy mid-week friends.  Whether you are on a bumpy section of the "road of happy destiny," or are coasting along, I wish you perspective and detachment.