Following last week's post, a reader asked which Steps I adhere to, in inventory and otherwise. The short answer is, "many." I was raised in AA in the Big Book. Over the years I've done the Step 4 columns as outlined, various worksheets, and most often, a pen-to-paper narrative of what's on my mind. In small groups, or solo, I've worked through the Steps via the 12x12, the Alanon literature, A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps (S. Covington), One Breath at a Time (K. Griffin), and whatever else may have crossed my path, including a group I've participated in for several years following the format from a Lila R workshop. I'm currently appreciating The Alternative 12 Steps (M. Cleveland and Arlys O), a secular guide to recovery. My most recent 4th Step was from a format that lists current fears, and discerns whether they are real or imagined. I am not a purist when it comes to working a program.

I'm also not hardcore about much of anything other than "Don't pick up." In early recovery, I met with a group of women every week to explore various spiritual paths. Once we did Hindu chants, another time, guided meditation; one week prayers to Mary, another, drumming. Having grown up with a linear view of the world, I cried out in frustration one week - "Which one is right?!" My friends answered, in unison, "They all are!"

And that's how it works for me, today. I am of the "Take what you like and leave the rest" club, as well as "We cease fighting anything or anyone" (big book, p. 84). In early recovery, the capital "G" god bothered me, and still does to an extent, as it implies a certain brand of dogma. But, as one of my treatment counselors was known to say, "Oh well..."  I have become fluent in translating the "god" to grace-over-drama (thanks to a sponsee), group of drunks, great outdoors, etc. I don't fight the literature today. I do form it into what works for me, or seek something that does. The "He" of the "We" is bothersome, but in most meetings in Portland, readers feel comfortable substituting "She" or "It" or removing gender all together where possible (though that can make for some very awkward sentences). I do hope that future versions of the big book or 12x12 modify the gender-specific language, but for the moment, I'm able to work with what's in front of me.

And that's the point for me - the Steps work in my life, whatever slant I may put on them at any given time: I surrender to what is. I get out of my own way. I examine what stands between me and serenity and how my behaviors impact others. I talk about that with a trusted other. I amend what needs amending. And I strive to live in such a way that my actions don't hurt others going forward. And you, please, do what works for you. I know that there are many paths that lead to sobriety, and many roads to follow in recovery - programs, religion, family connections, meditation, walks in the woods.  And, some people just quit. More power to them. If the hell of your addiction and alcoholism was anything like the hell of mine, do whatever it takes to get and stay out, and maintain a bit of sanity and serenity along the way. I needed a structure to crawl my way out. How I've used that structure, or modified it, and gone back to basics only to drift off in another direction again, has changed over the years - as it should (in my opinion). My first sponsor used to say, "You grow or you go." I take that to mean in my spiritual life as well as my dealings in the world.

My old buddy, Boxcar Leonard, was an atheist. He had a whale of a story, drinking sterno while riding the rails, shipwrecked in the South Pacific, shanghaied out of a bar and waking up 3 days at sea. He'd occasionally mention his lack of a belief in a higher power, but mostly that was a private matter between him and his sponsor. What he did believe in was AA and the power of recovery, and he shared that far and wide (at least up and down the I-5 corridor). And when we said the Serenity Prayer at the end of a meeting, he skipped the "God" and joined in on "Grant me the serenity." It worked for him.

That being said, I know that words matter, and I have choices today. If something doesn't feel right, I can move along. I can ask others what they're paying attention to, what drives them, what inspires them. Long term recovery has ended up being a series of trying things on to see what fits. My spiritual resources and connections are my spiritual resources and connections. Sometimes I celebrate that with like-minded others, but mostly, mine is a quiet surrender, a seeking to hush the internal chatter so that I can hear the still, small voice of wisdom.

I am back at work after nearly 50 days away. Getting dressed and leaving the house in the morning has felt a little like, as a kid, putting shoes back on in September after running around barefoot all summer. And it is good. And it is temporary, as I eye my retirement date mid-June. A few people have asked what I plan to do next, as in consult or work part time. I am heeding those further along the path who, to a person, counsel against rushing into just another version of an agenda. Take your time before diving in to the next thing, they tell me. Don't be in a hurry to fill your calendar, they advise. Listen for what it is you want to do rather than what you think you should do. I will do my best to simply show up.

Welcome to any new readers prompted by the AA Agnostica post this week. Though most readers tend to "converse" with the topic via email, I do welcome any comments you may want to add to this page. Glad you are here.

And so, what are your spiritual resources at this point in your recovery, and has that changed over time? How do you work the Steps - from a book, a format, or your own interpretation? How is your recovery helping you manage in these strange times?  Stay safe...


NOTE: “I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information