Many years ago, nearly 40, to be exact, I converted to Islam, on paper anyway. I went through the ceremony massively hung over (not an auspicious beginning, and it was all downhill from there). Like much of what I was doing, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I was in a relationship with a semi-secular Muslim man, and without consciously knowing it, was looking for some sort of outside structure to help me feel ok on the inside. It didn't work.

Today, I am not a practicing anything (other than a 12 stepper) but I do note that it is the month of Ramadan in the Islamic world. Ramadan, like Lent for Christians, is the ritual of giving something up for a time period in order to move beyond the mundane. But it's not just about the giving up. As in all ritual, the true meaning lies deeper than the superficial act. In her book about marriage to a Muslim man, The Accidental Jihad, Krista Bremer notes that "Ramadan was meant to break our rigid habits of over indulgence, the ones that slipped into our lives as charming guests and then refused to leave...[not just] the big addictions...but the little ones that took us gently by the hand and led us stealthily away from the truth." In looking at her habits, she writes, "I began to notice how much of my thinking revolved around what I would consume next," be that food or media or old ideas.

Having just completed the 12 Step ritual of a Step Four and Five, I'm thinking of Six and Seven, which can be a brief review,  moving on to Eight and Nine, as instructed in the Big Book, or an occasion for deeper awareness of what it is that comes between me and my spiritual center, me and true serenity. Do I say, "Yeah, I want to be rid of this or that characteristic," then keep doing the same old things, or do I look beyond the apparent defect for the underlying belief or rationalization?

For example, am I so enamored of my own thoughts that I don't notice the brilliant azalea blooms on my morning run? Do I tell myself "just one more" when I know that sugar can be a compulsion? I once heard that whatever I think about most becomes a higher power - romance and finance are big ones for people like us. Or it could be my plans and designs, rationalizing just a few more minutes on social media, my calendar - anything that keeps my brain busy and distracted from the stillness that is my inner guide.

During this time of slow-down, I've been better able to observe my thinking, watching where my mind runs off on its own. I believe it was Marieanne Williamson who wrote, "I'm powerless over my first thought, but not my second." How often do I follow myself down the rabbit hole of obsession, self-righteousness or fear, all of which serve to take me further and further from inner peace? I don't practice a religious renunciation, but I can practice the detachment from my automatic thoughts that the program encourages.

I'm coming to the end of my personal slow down, going back in to work on Friday. It will be very different, providing services at a 6 foot distance, but I will be back at my desk for the final month of my career. I am both relieved and a little nervous, compounded by reflecting on this 50 day break when maybe I should've accomplished more, or at the very least, experienced an epiphany or two. I am not alone in thinking I should be doing/feeling/discovering MORE during this pause. Truthfully, this is new territory for all of us, and is slightly disorienting. I missed a regularly scheduled sponsee call yesterday because I forgot it was Tuesday.

I've had flashes of apprehension at the level of busy I'll be going back to, but remind myself that I'm talking about just 29 work days. I can do anything for 29 days. Ha! There was a monumental a gal in Portland AA when I first came in -  Phyllis S - a big lady with lots of red hair. She was a fire and brimstone speaker, and at some point in her talk, as she described the ODAT concept, her voice would rise a few decibels and she'd shout out, "I can do anything for 24 hours! I can hold my finger up a tiger's ass for 24 hours, so I can surely go without a drink, one day at a time!"  She, and others like her, got my attention, and let me know that maybe, I, too, could do this thing called recovery - no matter what.

In the many years since, I've had my own versions of the tiger, times when I held on for dear life. Change is rarely easy, even if I choose it myself. So, I breathe into transition - from all-day pj's to work garb, from enjoying this time with my spouse to putting on a mask and going into the world, from work-at-home mode back to the trenches. And when the time comes, I will do it in reverse, letting go of my work identity in order to discover what's next.

How are you doing as the slow-down continues? Has your state passed its peak? How are you staying sane and serene, whether that is via the Steps or jigsaw puzzles or neighborhood walks?  Stay safe...

NOTE: “I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information