Breathing deeply on this Wednesday morning, thinking of the words of the Serenity prayer: Accept the things I cannot change. Acceptance is the answer, according to the old page 449 - acceptance of what is. I don't have to like it, or believe that "there are no mistakes in God's world" (what does that even mean??) but as long as I struggle with the moment, with what is, I will experience the restlessness, irritability and discontent that is poison to my soul.

I'm hearing such wisdom in the online meetings I'm attending, along with anxiety, gratitude, fear, and fortitude. Deep awareness of my powerlessness over just about everything other than my attitude and actions is freeing at times, annoying at others, and heartbreaking still more often. In my Tuesday morning group, people spoke of taking their anger, or their anxiety or impatience for a walk. At least we can get outdoors, and for me, it is harder to stay in the dark hallways of my mind when I'm out and moving. I often have to force myself to notice the flowers or the sky, but with each step, my inner dialogue quiets.

The feeling of powerlessness is uncomfortable, and I learned long ago that a primary task of recovery is learning to get comfortable with discomfort. I can't make this all go away, but I can do my part by staying in. I can make a phone call, send a card (lots of cards to help keep the Post Office open!), or read (something positive, not the endless news cycle). I can cook dinner, pull some weeds, show up (really show up, not just in the chair) for my work-at-home days.

Being in the "I don't know" place is hard. Years ago, I shared about that in a meeting, and a guy responded by saying he prefers the adventure of not knowing. As he put it, what would be the point of beginning if you already knew exactly how it would end? (with "it" being the new job or new relationship, a move, or perhaps a creative undertaking). I get that, sort of, and am much more comfortable if I at least have a sense of what's next. I realize, as I write, that this wish is simply an illusion, a desire for safety, which no one can predict.  How many times have I stood on the cliff of not knowing in utter panic, only to reflect a few months or years later, that the change was the best that could've happened?

A member in Iowa shared in our Sunday meeting that this is the time to be deliberate about my recovery. I can think I've got it down, I can skim over the daily reader reminders to watch my H.A.L.T.S. and, while getting booze would be an undertaking during stay at home time (and is the farthest thing from my mind) it is my emotional sobriety that I want to protect, deliberately and mindfully. As I cycle through the stages of grief around our abrupt change in circumstances (denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance) I can, as always, acknowledge and accept my feelings, knowing that there is no "right" way to be. We've never been here before -

~ Just as I sat down to finish this post, I got word that my friend, the person with lung cancer, is being admitted to hospital and is likely near the end of his journey. We knew this was coming, but it always seems sooner than anticipated, and is complicated by Covid-19. My hope is that he goes gently, and that I'm able to say good-bye. I am so very sad. I am also grateful that with all the water under this particular bridge, there are no words left unsaid, no amends that need to be made. And, death is hard for those of us left to wonder if our loved one was at peace, if this or that road taken way back when might've changed the place it all ends up. Again, not knowing...

Even in this time of distancing, especially in this time of distancing, remember to let your loved ones know they are just that. I've talked more on the phone in the last 2 weeks than in that last year, and that is a good thing. Take good care of yourselves, friends, near and far.

How are you practicing self care in this strange time? If you are housed with people, how do you practice detachment? If solo, how do you maintain connections? Are you able to take a walk today, or make a call?

NOTE: “I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information