I put on earrings yesterday, for the first time since Covid, and picked up my ex's daughter, who'd flown in to pick up her dad's ashes. During the course of the morning, we laughed, we cried, we listened to an Earth, Wind & Fire CD (his fave), looked at some old photos, and decided that I am her "pre-step mom." We hugged, while wearing masks, and agreed to keep in touch. When she asked if we could have coffee this morning before she goes home, I met her at the nearly empty airport, to make sure she'd get through security with the big metal urn.

I'd been feeling a loose ends with the mourning process, given these strange times, so when she contacted me on Sunday to ask if I'd, please, go with her to get her dad's remains, I started to cry - for my own sense of closure, and with the bittersweet knowledge that I'd be able to tell her more about who her dad was before his mental illness took over. On the way to pick her up, I did a mini- inventory, reminding myself that the day was about her and her losses - both of the person and the idea of father that was now no more.

She is a frank woman, and when I thanked her for inviting me, she blurted out that it hadn't really been her intention, but then the words came out and she thought, "Yes, that is what I want." Funny how our intuition can speak what we didn't know we meant. I've sometimes joked that I said what I needed to hear at a meeting, but it's true. At times, something will come out of my mouth that catches me by surprise - my inner wisdom speaking what my conscious mind doesn't yet know.

I continue to hear such raw truth in our online meetings as we individually and collectively grapple with our struggles, whether those are internal demons or external demands. Others sharing their truth helps me check in with myself and my motives in any given situation.  I'm particularly noticing my characteristic of time urgency. I have nowhere to be and not much to do, so any time pressure is strictly my own. A former boyfriend dubbed me "the human clock," not necessarily as a compliment. He was from the Middle East, where the sense of time is more relaxed, more seasonal, more nomadic. When he told someone that he'd see them "after tomorrow," he meant, "sometime in the future," not specifically the day after tomorrow that my Western brain inferred.

In any event, my mom raised me to believe that being on time was being late. I've raised myself to believe that if I can get three things done today, then I can probably squeeze in five. Part of that is related to my natural energy level (& naps), but part of it is related to an internal worry that there is never enough - time, attention, love. Do I really think that, on a rational, adult level? No. But somewhere deep inside is a little kid grasping to hold on.

And then, pandemic, with the resulting screeching halt to the To Do list. I saw a funny post: "Why did I even bother buying a 2020 day planner?" Because I can't predict the future, that's why, but I can plan for it! I remember towards the end of my addiction, looking at the blank calendar on the wall  - no appointments, no dates, nothing to look forward to, other than trying to hide in my basement. The month of April reminds me of that, with various items crossed out, some entered hopefully towards the end of the month, but mainly, empty days. I've taken to noting my online meetings, walks with my spouse - anything to show that I was here.

So what do I want to do with my renewed insight? How can I use the Steps to examine the characteristics that are, apparently, mine alone, not driven by outer forces? I could stay busy, cleaning under the kitchen sink and rearranging closets (which is not a bad idea) and I can experiment with truly "going with the flow." Do I feel like reading, or washing windows? Taking a nap, or maybe taking a walk. How about just sitting?

A friend mentioned in a meeting that when he was drinking, the current situation was never ok. Oh how I could relate. Even when I was seemingly on top of the world, there was something to complain about. I was hung over, or my boyfriend was away too long, or this person said this when she should've said that, or the steak was over (or under) cooked, blah blah blah. Truly, in this very moment, all is well. I have complaints, sure, but the reality is, like my treatment counselor used to say, I've had enough to eat today and I know where I'm sleeping tonight. And, I'm clean & sober, which is a gift I never forget.

Continuing to ride the emotional the roller coaster here - of grief,  of unexpected connection, of character defects on parade, of sweetness with my spouse, along with the lethargy and impatience around working from home. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, I open my arms to see what the universe would have me experience today.

Where are you today, as we continue on the stay-home journey? Are you in self-discovery mode, or self-condemnation? Acceptance, or arguing with the things you cannot change? How will you accept the whole of it today - what is going on in the world as well as what is going on within you? Be safe, friends, near and far.

NOTE: “I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information