I didn't mention in last week's post that my husband's follow up scan, post radiation and chemo, was clear, as in cancer free. Such a relief. I expected as much, but SO good to have it officially verified. What a roller coaster of emotion, from fear/terror to overwhelm to acceptance and gratitude - sometimes all in the same day. My meetings, trusted others (many who had similar experiences) and the cancer counseling offered by the hospital were all helpful. Once again, the "we."

I was reminded by a friend that when I actually feel my emotions, it is a relief. Being stuck, as in trying to ignore or outrun that which I hope to avoid is what's painful. I try to pay attention when I feel off kilter - is there a feeling I'm trying to suppress? Some emotion I don't want to acknowledge? Sometimes it's just a matter of saying, "I feel kind of crappy today" and letting that be ok. I'm definitely one who prefers "happy, joyous & free," though recognize that isn't a guarantee. Just because I actively work the program, am of service, meditate, etc etc etc doesn't mean that every day will be unicorns and rainbows. I'm not doing something wrong if I'm in a blah mood. I've learned that "this too shall pass" applies to random feelings as well as the big stuff.

A meeting I was in this week turned into a discussion of current events and protests, which left me slightly uncomfortable. Tradition 10 says that our program has no opinion on outside issues. The program has no opinion, but as an individual I certainly do, and my opinions impact my emotions, which impacts my serenity and quite possibly my sobriety. In heated political times in the past, when viewpoints bled into meetings, I've worried about the newcomer who is there for relief from alcoholism and may have different beliefs but wants to be sober (or recover from the effects of someone else's drinking in Alanon). I don't think there is a right answer - as human beings we can't ignore what is going on in the world, and I want to be very careful of our primary purpose.

In another meeting last week, someone used the term "pivot point" to describe those places where life could've gone one way or another, depending on our decisions. I think of the moment I sat outside the treatment center at 11pm, realizing at a subterranean level that if I didn't go in right then, I probably never would. Another pivot point came when I found paraphernalia in my belongings, and hesitated. A pivot point - am I going to do this thing, or half-ass it? And then, recovery decision points including going in to the community college to ask questions, when  "Maybe another day" would've been easier, along with all those times I pushed myself an inch further than my comfort zone with school, or jobs, or challenging discussions. I think of a particular moment when my spouse and I had just started dating when I thought, "Here's your out," but instead, decided to simply wait to see what would happen next.

Pivot points. Choices. Doing the next thing, even if I don't know if it is the right thing. I often think of Elizabeth Gilbert's well known book, "Eat, Pray, Love." At the very beginning, she is crying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, wanting an answer to a huge life question. The answer she got in the moment was "Go back to bed." So often, when I'm looking for sky-writing or billboards, the answer is simple - Go ask someone. Hold still. Have something to eat.

Pivot points rarely announce themselves - it is generally in hindsight that I realize something could've gone either way. And, pivot points are not just about big events. Go to a meeting? Go for a run? Tackle that project? Take a nap? Not every choice moves me closer or further away from some Ultimate Goal, but each choice, whether to practice self-care and gentleness or push myself a little, impacts the next. And, as someone who has been schedule-driven for so long, I am noticing the quiet voice, the new voice, that whispers, "There is no deadline. You have all the time that you need." This is a pivot point of sorts for me - will I dive into the next thing, or simply wait and learn to appreciate the stillness?

What have been pivot points in your life, big or small? Did you realize it at the time, or later? What comes up when you spend time in silence today?

  NOTE: “I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. ALSO to note - from the web version of this page, you can sign up to have my weekly post delivered to you via email (upper right section of the page).