It seems that when one is preparing for a major life change, like retirement, people have opinions. People have opinions and advice and their own fears or excitement come pouring out. Their comments can be entertaining, annoying, valued, or terrifying, depending on where my center of energy is at the moment. If I’m feeling secure in my decisions, I can take what I like and leave the rest. When I’m a little shaky or insecure, I worry if I’m making the right move. It’s usually a little of both.

Things people ask/say to me about retiring: Where will you live? Will you work part time/doing what? Won’t you be bored? I would be bored. You’ll love it. It takes a year to adjust. Don’t jump into anything right away. Stay busy. I slept a lot at first. I’ll never retire. I can never afford to retire. I’m right behind you! (or just ahead). You’ll lose track of days (as in, every day feels like Saturday). Don’t over schedule. Don’t under schedule. From an older lady in the post office – "You’d better find something to do! I’m bored to death!" Thank goodness for our programs - you can increase your meetings! Lucky You! You’ll love it. You’ll love it. You’ll love it. You’ll be fine. And from one of my trusted others, in regards to last week's post about identity – “It’s like a free-fall.”

Whew! I am very much not an adrenaline junkie, despite my time as a meth addict. I’m afraid of sheer drop offs and cliffs, I don’t downhill ski, I would never bungee jump. And… the image of free-fall, as in flying, causes me to exhale deeply with delight. I sometimes use the Runes to access my inner wisdom, and lately have been pulling the stone that points to taking “an empty-handed leap into the void.” I can choose to view that void as a deep, dark chasm to be feared, or, a portal to an open meadow or long, sandy beach. As I stand on this precipice, this jumping off place, which will I choose?

It’s about transition, that moving from one place to another, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and it seems to be swirling all around me. Two friends retired in the last few weeks. Another is preparing to move, with her spouse, to a smaller town where they can afford to buy a house. Someone else is moving out of state after completing her degree. A spiritual sister has entered hospice after a long battle, preparing for her final journey. Some are proceeding with long term plans in spite of current events,while others are newly inspired by this covid time to ask, “What truly matters?” Time of my own. A home of our own. Family. Dying with dignity.

And the world feels in transition at the moment, both with the virus, and the enlarged attention to inequities that have gone on far too long. I read a meme recently that said maybe 2020 isn’t a mistake. Maybe 2020 is a hitting bottom of sorts, where we get to individually and collectively ask, “Now what?” I was reminded in a meeting over the weekend that working the Steps gives me the opportunity to keep asking “What else?” And then, “What else?” And then, “What else?,” again. What is it I need to learn at this exact moment in time?

A gift of these times are the Zoom meetings we can attend, anytime, anywhere. Two weeks ago, I “attended” the English-speaking meeting in Budapest that I’d gone to last fall, and then this weekend, “went” to a group in Bristol, England. What a beautiful thing, to be connecting to our fellowship in different places, only to hear the same words, the same concerns, the same joys. Today I am a grateful alcoholic (& member of Alanon).

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Despite my thwarted efforts to arrange the lights and the actors, I did get out of the way and today my crew gave me a tailgate party in a parking lot across the street since we can’t officially gather in our county. My husband stopped by, to meet the people who’d been sending good thoughts while he was sick, and a few former co-workers joined in. A security guard rolled through and asked what we were doing, saying “Congratulations!” when we gave him the scoop. And then back inside, our clients gave me a lovely card along with some flowers picked from the grounds (with permission). In both settings, I shared the story of how I came to my career, out of my own treatment experience. It was a really good day. And it’s been a really good run. I am grateful for 30+ years of helping people change their lives. Officially, I've got three more days of work, but, essentially I'm done. I'm done and I'm amazed that this thing I've been planning for the last few years is actually happening. One day at a time, life moves on. What do they say? Sometimes the days drag, but the months and years fly by.

And now, I get to see what’s next!  What transitions are happening in your life, from the change of seasons to moving, to re-evaluating your place in the world or anything in between? How do you remember to open your palms with curiosity rather than clenching tight? How do you ride the wave of change?

NOTE: “I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information