I've found myself wrestling with Step 11 recently, tying myself in knots as I try to figure it out. I'm not sure when or how I moved into define-and-explain mode, but have come to re-understand that my spiritual connection is a feeling, not a thinking exercise. 

Over the past year or so, I've found myself being very careful not to talk about my beliefs, or to do so in a very generic way. For me, it's something of a Tradition 10 issue - no opinions on outside issues. I want everyone to feel comfortable in a meeting - Christian, Muslim, Jew, Atheist, Pagan, Republican, Democrat, etc., which means, for me, I don't talk politics and I don't talk specifics about spirituality. How can anyone describe that stuff anyway? And... I feel that something is missing. 

I know that my experience of AA/Alanon and spirituality is very different at 34+ years than it was at three months, or three years when everything was shiny and new. I find myself longing for the feelings of awe and wonder that accompanied those early light-bulb moments. Alas, as I've aged, the novelty has pretty much worn off, or so I think until I hear or see something that takes my breath away. Like last week, when a friend shared about being a good dad and I teared up remembering when he was new and we'd metaphorically wager as to whether or not he'd make it back the following week. That miracle of recovery, of changed lives, is a piece of my higher power(s). I can sometimes feel a meeting almost levitate, when your spiritual energy bounces off mine like an electric current. And, as much as I appreciate our online connections, it just isn't the same as when I can see your tears, watch your hands shake as you pick up your coffee, or feel the rumble of your laughter.

Do I think that I've stayed sober because of some supernatural intervention? Not really. I'm the one who gets myself to meetings and puts pen to paper. I do think it was some combination of grace, pain, and desperation that got me to the point where I'd have done anything to stop hurting, and being in the right place, at the right time, where I connected with people who are still in my life today. God? (Gift Of Desperation) Coincidence? Timing? I don't know, and if I could explain the forces at work in the world, I wouldn't need them. I surrender to the mystery - the mystery of the starfish and the Douglas Fir; the mystery of love and attraction, and of the hopeless drunk who becomes a sober, good father. 

I walked with a friend last week, and when she asked, "How are you?" I was tempted to say, "I'm good," and change the subject. Instead, I talked about all of the above, and how it has felt like I'm pretending not to have a spiritual life. That's what my malaise is really about - not the particulars of my  belief or practices, which grow and change over time, but about being genuine, and true to myself instead of what I think you want to hear. It's about trusting someone enough to say, "This is what's going on," not out of any desire to get fixed, but to hear myself say what's been rattling around in my head. 

And so, the wheel keeps turning. I will continue to be a seeker (I'm currently appreciating the Alternative 12 Step book as an adjunct to the 12x12). As I study and apply Step 12 in December, I'll reconsider what it means to be of service in the time of covid along with how I'm practicing the principles in all my affairs when there aren't that many "affairs" I'm participating in. Service, as well as practicing the principles, doesn't have to be some grand gesture. Maybe it's extra cash in the tip jar when I take-away. Maybe it's a check to the local food bank. Maybe it is intentional kindness to those I interact with instead of my usual hurry-up. Maybe it is being fully present for the 5th Steps I'm hearing this month. And maybe it includes cutting myself some slack in the "should" department.

Today, I picked up a friend (masked) and we went to another's home for a holiday cocoa party, just the three of us, distanced. I've known both these women since 3rd grade, 1963, and we're all in recovery. One moved away before high school, but the other and I were part of the same nebulous park gang that drank our brains out on any given weekend. Such a gift, these friendships over time. I get a little misty when I picture us at 9 or 10 years old, playing hopscotch on the playground, or at 25 when Deb and I sang, "Give peace a chance" at the memorial following John Lennon's murder 40 years ago yesterday. Time is no longer my enemy, though I can feel full to the brim with memories. I think that is a good thing. Some of the past I do regret, but more now falls in the category of sweet remembrance. 

As the end of the year draws near, and a holiday season like no other commences, how are you taking care of yourself , one day at a time? What is one nice thing you can do for yourself today? How about for someone else?

 ** Just in time for holiday planning, or your year-end inventory.  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample)

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time).