Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, you are dreadfully like other people.                                             ~ James Russell Lowell

Ah, how I hated being told, "You're right where you're supposed to be," throughout those sometimes confusing early years of recovery! 30, 60, 90 days, 18 months, the "year of the tear" (2 years), and who can forget being a 3-year wonder? In hindsight, I'm grateful for the markers, and the wisdom of my elders letting me know I was right on schedule, but at the time I was insulted. You don't understand...  Thankfully, they did.

I'm thinking about identity on this sunny January day, prompted by attributes shared about me over my sobriety anniversary, the whispers of "should" that have crept into my consciousness, as well as an old letter I came across from 1978 (age 24) where I tell my then-new boyfriend what I knew about him and what I knew about myself. Twice, alcohol comes up, as in, "I enjoy drinking" and "I lack self-confidence when I'm sober," along with "I have trouble discipling myself" (no s**t). While some of the list is silly ("I have ugly feet") I'm mildly surprised at how much still fits: I don't like hot weather; I love autumn and rain; I want to travel; I keep everything; I need to be alone sometimes. While I may have thought my character wasn't solidified until I got sober, it would seem that at my core, I am who I am and was probably always.

In my "victory lap" meetings, a few people described me as a "rock," and while I pointed out that, rather than a rock, I am an introvert, I do know that I am consistent (thank you, dear Mother). I am a planner; not spontaneous, and I generally do what I say I'll do. I can be bossy (ask the cousins I grew up with), and sentimental. And, while my individual characteristics may be slightly different than yours (or my extroverted spouse's), I am "dreadfully like other people," which is a blessing and a curse - the "we" again and again. 

That being said, I am experiencing something of a psychic rearrangement, an identity shift as I more fully settle into this life of not working. These first seven months have been delightful, a relief, and I've recently felt the whispers of "should," as in I should be more productive, I should be doing more. (Again, I'm right where I'm supposed to be in the adjustment phase.)

The speaker in our Friday meeting said, "'I don't know,' is sometimes the most spiritual thing I will say in a day." That's a tough one, but liberating in the way that Step One is liberating. Surrender. I don't need to know. I don't have to know. I can't possibly know. I can attempt to heed friends' descriptions of being gentle with themselves as they find their way, asking, "What works for me, today?" 

For the last few years I craved  time. Time to do what I want, when I want. Time to actually clean out the fridge, de-clutter the hall closet, time to read a book in the middle of the day or go for a mid-week hike with a friend. What else may rise to the surface? What might happen if I simply sit still (metaphorically!), waiting to see what's next instead of trying to push ahead?

My sponsor pointed out that this is truly a place to let the process lead me. Another good friend pointed out that those she knows in the helping professions are often hard on themselves - the "never enough" syndrome. I'll take a look at that. I can honor the aspects of my upbringing and my own treatment experience that resulted in a calling to serve, while knowing that I cannot fix all the need there is in this world. And, I was reminded that service starts with self-care. 

Going in to this new year, I will take stock of my strengths, places where the edges are a little rough, and characteristics that simple are part of who I am. There is an AA wallet card titled "My Daily Moral (ugh) Inventory" listing personality traits that are liabilities and the corresponding asset, for example Self Pity - Caring for Others; Impatience - Patience; Isolation - Participation, the idea being that nearly every trait can be viewed on a continuum. I can drop the sledge hammer of "should" and move towards self acceptance, using the 12 Steps, meetings, and conversations with trusted others. 

What traits do you appreciate in yourself? If you are in transition (new job, new home, new schedule, maybe a milestone birthday - sobriety or "belly button"), how are you allowing the process to proceed without expecting yourself to be further along the path than you might actually be? How are you being gentle with yourself vs hammering with the "should's"? What does it mean to accept that you are "dreadfully (or wonderfully) like other people?

** Please note the new resource listed: amotaudio.com for free streaming of program speakers as well as downloads and CD's for sale.

~ Just in time for your new year inventory  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample)

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). (Price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)