Last winter, when we were still out and about, I crossed paths with a young woman wearing a stunning pair of forest green heels. Complimenting her, I asked if they were comfortable. "No," she replied, "But they're so cute it doesn't matter." Oy vey. How I could relate, whether we're talking shoes or jobs or relationships. Form-over-substance ruled my way of being in the world for longer than I'd care to admit.

What brought the green shoes to mind was my trip to a consignment shop, toting, among other items, a gorgeous pair of platform boots, circa 1978. As beautiful as they are, I only wore them once or twice, unable to reconcile the pinched toes with fashion. I remember asking myself, while still in high school, when I might trade looks for function and start wearing sensible shoes. It would be a while...

And how I recall, early in recovery, questioning whether or not I this new sober lifestyle would fit. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a "productive member of society." It sounded boring, as did meeting someone for coffee (which I never touched until getting sober), parties without booze, dancing without being under the influence, pizza without a pitcher, on and on... But, the old way of life certainly wasn't suitable anymore, and maybe never really was. I became unwilling to squeeze my existence into the tiny box my life had become, even though I had no idea what "happy, joyous and free" might look like.

I think that, as a practicing alcoholic, all those normal, social things would've been boring were I to do them with a "When is my next drink?" mentality. It continues to amaze me how, within days of my surrender, life really did "take on new meaning," and new definitions of fun. Stupid, boring and glum has NOT been my experience.

That being said, a friend and I have been talking about the fine line between a helpful habit and a rut (I've heard it said that an alcoholic will take a rut, install indoor/outdoor carpeting and call it home). I've read that too much routine can cause the days to pass mindlessly, then boom! it's six months later. That certainly feels relevant, having started the pandemic shut down/slow down in March, which is nearly one year ago now. I've read more books, watched more movies, walked more with friends, and some days, recently, have felt the constriction of same-o, same-o. So, where can I mix things up, besides putting on earrings to visit the dentist? On Tuesdays, a neighbor and I do a five-mile walk in the neighborhood, up and down a series of 12 hills. This week, we did it in reverse order, and threw in a set of public stairs (there are several flights along the Alameda ridge). Hard work, but energizing - a new view. 

Along those lines, I can find myself in a rut with my daily spiritual practice, sometimes going through the motions while already thinking about the next item on my to-do list. How do I stay present? How do I greet the day, or the situation, with engagement rather than detachment? Ah, the on-going quest of long-term recovery! I meditate at the same time each day, as that part works, but I've started varying my practice to include guided offerings switched up with nature sounds or silence. I do my best to alternate desk time and active time around the house each day. I'm approaching my Step work assignments with a fresh eye, using a new Big Book that isn't already underlined. Small steps.

Over the weekend, I was honored to listen to an AA speaker, June G, now with 48 years of recovery. She spoke at the first International Conference I attended, in Seattle, in 1990. Her story inspired me then, and today, via an online conference. I'm grateful for the continuity. I'd also like to acknowledge the sobriety birthday of my best friend's sister, Kim. Her recovery paved the way for his, which impacted mine, and still does. The "ripple effect" applies to the benefits of sobriety as well as the destructions of addiction, a reminder of how we simply never know how our recovery may influence another. 

I walk with giants, some of them speaking grandly from a podium and some in the quiet voice at the back of the room. I learn as much from the newcomer as those in the middle years and beyond. Remaining teachable, I continue to seek the reassurance, the example, the lessons you provide. Some days I'm the teacher, and others, the willing student. 

How might you shake up your covid routines to avoid getting stuck in a rut? Who in your past, or present, would you thank if given the opportunity? If there are parts of your life or program that feel like they don't fit, how will explore new ways of being?

Still time for your new year inventory! (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample)

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). (Price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)