My program feels ignited after listening to an amazing New Year's day talk by Lila R, as well as celebrating my 35th year of recovery on Sunday. "Grateful" does not begin to describe the joy I feel at having been given a second chance at life all those years ago.

Before signing on to my home group Sunday, I said a little prayer that I be open to hearing the nice things that might be said. Funny that after all this time I can still sometimes feel like an imposter, the "if they really knew me," stuff. As I settled in to the various shares, I understood that any compliments coming my way were simply a means of paying homage to the program, to the "we" that keeps us coming back and doing what we need to do, one day at a time. And I know that any successes I've had are strictly due to your examples of courage, strength and hope as you deal with life on life's terms. 

As I walked in the rain the other day, it struck me that the worst part of walking in the rain is sitting in my warm home imagining how miserable I'll be. Once out in it, properly garbed, the rain simply is. For me, the worst part of getting sober was standing on the other side of that canyon, imagining how scary or miserable I'd be without a substance to buffer my insides from your outsides. Lo and behold, once over that hurdle of day one, I began to understand that all I really needed was the strength to get through that day, and then the next, and the next. Reality is rarely as bad as I anticipate it might be.

As it is January, I am focused on Step One, the admission of powerlessness, which I'm translating into a daily surrender. I am not in charge, and started my new Step notebook with a list of all that I am powerless over. It can be tempting to simply write, "everything," but I find it more helpful to be specific: the corona virus, my spouse's sleep schedule, my brother's health, zoom vs in-person meetings, the grieving process - and more, including the appalling display in Washington, DC today.

The 12x12 Table Contents describes the admission of powerlessness in Step One as "the first step in liberation." It certainly was that for me. I'd thought I was supposed to be able to control (and enjoy) my drinking, that I was weak-willed for not being able to do so. Thank goodness for Leonard C's instruction that "Will power will not keep you sober, but want power will!" True 35 years ago, and true today. Want power keeps me on the beam.

In her talk, Lila encouraged us to read the literature with passion, like someone who wants "more." As a practicing alcoholic, I always wanted more. As a recovering person, I want more serenity. I want more spiritual connection, more happiness and contentment, more inner peace. I will admit that I am not a Big Book scholar. I tend to skim, focusing on the sections I've already highlighted, a "greatest hits" approach. This year, however, I plan to study the Big Book with journal pages I bought a few years ago  - a fresh start. Who knows what will grab my attention this time through? The eyes I read with at 35 years sobriety are different than my perspective at 30 days, and I value my recovery as much, if not more, today than I did back when I wasn't really sure what I was getting in to. Let me remain teachable. Let me remember that honesty, open-mindedness and willingness are essential however many days I've managed to put together.

What is your frame of mind going in to the new year? What will you do to shake up your program, to keep it fresh? Is there someone who could benefit from your experience, or perhaps someone you can learn from?

~ Just in time for your new year inventory  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample)

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). (Price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)