After spending a couple of weeks in a snit over the Step 4 process, annoyed with the searching and fearless part (I've been sober 35 years - when will it be enough?!) I found myself forgetting I'm not the Boss of the Universe, allowing my discomforts and self-righteousness to bleed on to someone else with the resulting stepping on the toes of my fellow(s). Apparently I do need the inventory process, whether that is 4 or 10. Apparently, the daily reprieve applies to my defenses and defaults, not just the drink.

So from a place of questioning my meeting attendance and wondering just how diligent one must be in long term sobriety, I found myself metaphorically grasping for the tools of recovery. Ah, it would be so much easier to point the finger, but it is true that when I do that, three fingers are pointing back at me. With chagrin, I realized my nighttime reader (on detachment) was speaking directly to me, as was the chair in my Tuesday morning group. From thinking I could take a pass on this year's housecleaning, I  picked up the phone to reason things out with a trusted other. In other words, I found myself in that place of humility, that place of connecting the dots between my HALTs and my behaviors, that place of remembering, one more time, that my efforts at controlling others comes out of my own unease rather than any real danger to someone else.

Now, my cousins will tell you that I've been bossy since at least second grade (somebody had to be in charge!), as will a friend or two, and I was a good manager in my career. The catch is when it's unconscious and I temporarily forget that I am only responsible for myself. I was reminded in a meeting that, having grown up with alcoholism, I'm sometimes better at sensing how you're feeling than recognizing my own moods. And... as much as I think I can read a room, it's really much better to ask, and to turn the emotional spotlight back on myself. 

The HALTS remain a guiding principle in my life, but these days I also need to be mindful of Bored, Complacent, Busy or Melancholy. When I spend too much time thinking about you, or about the state of the world, it is usually a distraction from the real culprit - i.e. my own dang self. When I engage in morbid, or glossed over, reflection, or find my calendar too full, I benefit from sitting still to ask, "What's really going on?" Above all, I need to stay conscious of the slippery slope of telling myself I don't need certain aspects of the program.

And so, I will continue to suit up, doing my reasonable best to practice the principles in all my affairs. Some days I glide along, while others I may trip and fall, but the safety net of recovery is always there to catch me if I remember to reach for it. 

What tools do you reach for when you fall off track? How do you keep the focus on yourself when it feels easier to look elsewhere? In what ways can you cut yourself some slack if you make a mistake?