We held the memorial for my first husband this weekend, near the year anniversary of his passing. It  was good to hear family and friends share about what a good guy he was, both past and in his later years. He was so much more than his mental illness: father, grandfather, cousin, friend; lover of cars and good barbeque, a man with a history.

We are the sum of what we've been through and what we've done, but not just that. I remember my heroin-addicted boyfriend, after I'd been through treatment, telling me in anger one day that he was "more than just a junkie!" I had a hard time seeing that. From where I sat, he appeared consumed with getting his next fix, taking it, being loaded, then starting the cycle anew. I couldn't see him under the veil of addiction, though he was a father, a son, a philosopher. Like we told clients in treatment, "You are more than the worst thing you've done," hoping to create space for redemption, for change. What is recovery but change? I am so grateful that I didn't get what I deserved, and that someone saw "me" apart from my self-destructive actions.

And, it can be hard to see past the outer shell - the psychosis, the addiction, the anger, the many walls we consciously or unconsciously erect. It is challenging to see past politics, opinions; all the ways we find to divide ourselves from the "other," whether in a family member, a friend, or the guy camped on the street corner.

How amazing was AA as it worked through the growing pains of exclusion - I'm a member if I say I am, even if a "prisoner, queer, plain crackpot, (or) fallen woman" (12x12 p.140). We are definitely people who would not mix, bound by a common goal. I can take that into the rest of the world, assuming that most people share common goals of wanting safety and community and a place to sleep at night. As much as I may think otherwise, I don't have to "approve" of your beliefs, how you voted, or the way you eat a bowl of soup. I am not the judge of the universe! 

I am not the judge of the universe, and, I have my own beliefs and boundaries and bottom lines. The challenge for me as a certified Alanonic is to navigate the Bermuda Triangle of support/ control/ detachment; caring without controlling, detaching without ignoring. Ah, this human journey! As a friend once asked, "How do I tell which of my feelings are simply mine to absorb and which are mine to address?" Where do I find the "wisdom to know the difference?" My old ideas are MY ideas, presenting themselves as facts. Again and again, this is where the "pause" comes in, as well as asking, "How important is it?" How important is it, really? As I work in my new garden I can keep my hands and my head in the soil, or let my mind wander to either Shangri-La or my latest rant. Choices. Choices and awareness, and the ability to pay attention to what is actually in front of me.

I spent a lovely week away, helping a good friend get settled in her new place. I love the mossy greens of my city, but am consistently spellbound by the wide open spaces and big skies of northern New Mexico whenever I visit. It was good to get away, and, as always, so good to come home.

How do you catch yourself in the act of judgement? What tools do you use to see beyond the annoying to get to the humanity in each of us? How does acceptance play in to your daily practice, whether that is people, places or things? 

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I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery”  -  a 78 page spiral bound workbook, 8 ½ x11, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view, processing questions, and space for writing.  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample) 

Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). ( I offer a price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)