"I'm always thinking that if I could just eliminate this obstacle or that problem, THEN I could get on with my life. Now I know that my problems and the obstacles in my life ARE life"                                      Twenty-Five Years of Listening - Life Lessons and Inspiration...From the Collective Wisdom of People in Recovery, by Glenn Palmer-Smith, p. 125

I was recently reminded of my habit of thinking that my circumstances are "the" problem - that if this, that, or the other thing would change, all would be well. It's fine now, but it would be really great after x,y,z happens, or q,r,s is done and off my plate. Always, the illusion of a little patch of serenity, out there somewhere. 

Truthfully, life is good. I have a safe home, hot running water, a loving spouse, good friends, my health. And, I occasionally engage in the "stinking thinking" of over-the-rainbow. How many times do I hear that thinking is not a Step, that nowhere in the literature does it say we should think more about what troubles us? Take inventory, work with others, get into action - these are the prescriptions for peace of mind. Someone recently quoted a take on Step 3 as making a decision to enter a harmonious relationship with reality. Exactly!

I ran into a former co-worker at the grocery store - he retired a few months after I did. Both homebodies at heart (as long as I can get on a plane every once in awhile), we marveled at the timing of our choice to leave the workforce during the pandemic. For months - ok, maybe a year - we'd email our countdowns and various frustrations. Though each essentially liking our jobs, and both very task oriented, we were ready to go, talking about all the projects we wanted to get done, along with the joy of waking up without anywhere we had to be. Ah, retirement, we'd sigh. Once I'm retired, all will be well. Once I'm retired life will calm down... I'll have more time to myself... I'll be happier/calmer/more relaxed.

Most of that is true. I definitely have more time to myself (if I so choose, and hold back from filling the calendar). But, or rather, and wherever I go, here I am, which has been true whether or not a relationship ended, or I found a new place to live, or took a trip to someplace far away. The difference with leaving the workforce, however, is that I have the opportunity to truly settle in to myself, and like a spinning top coming to a wobbly halt, it is taking time - a process, not an event. Can I be content to allow rather than pursue? Sit rather than chase?

As I shared in a meeting about my encounter with the co-worker, I felt myself tear up, emotional on some level, though not sure why. Delayed grieving for workplace friendships? The excitement/ fear of a new identity? The understanding that retirement equals, if not the last, a definite step towards the last stages of this life? The internal seismic shift from do-ing to be-ing? Not sure. I'll see what comes up as I get still, whether that is in my designated chair, or on a long walk. I do know, from years of experience in the program, that emotional intensity can be a portal, a doorway to insight, preparation for an aha moment. Or, simply a flash of feeling. More will be revealed. 

In this week's New York Times, in an opinion piece titled, "You Can Be Different" (post-pandemic), Olga Khazan writes, "Researchers have found that adults can change the five traits that make up personality — extroversion, openness to experience, emotional stability, agreeableness and conscientiousness — within just a few months" with the premise being that anyone and everyone has the opportunity to reevaluate who they are and how they interact with the world as we come out of this year-plus shut down. She writes that introverts can become extroverted, tardy people can learn to be on time, etc. It's about being conscious of our choices, rather than blindly jumping back to the old "normal." I don't know that a psychic rearrangement is calling to me. I do know that I am mostly content with the quieter life (and wholly recognize that this is a privilege). Again, more will be revealed.

So much of what I'm experiencing is about transition, about letting life unfold while acknowledging that while my circumstances may have changed, my heart may not have. I'm reminded of the metaphor of the kid on the monkey bars, having let go of one rung but not quite having hold of the next. In between is ok. In between is a step in the process, and as soon as I've "arrived," there will be another step to take, another decision to make, another challenge, big or small, to walk through.

I know so many people in various forms of transition right now. A friend has just purchased their first house, going from years of semi-rural living to a neighborhood. An acquaintance has recently moved on to hospice after a long struggle. Another is facing lifestyle changes related to health issues. And another is letting go of a parent, while getting the kids ready to return to in-person school, while being hit with a schedule change at work. And, I am learning how to be retired. I can further my commitment to being gentle with myself, as gentle as I would be with a friend, paying attention to my inner guide that some days says "Wait," and some days, "Let's go!"

Where are you in a transition, whether from unvaccinated to vaccinated, maybe a new sponsor or sponsee, a different living situation, or even adjusting to the change of seasons? How do you practice  quieting the internal critic while adjusting to new circumstances?

*  *  *

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery”  -  a 78 page spiral bound workbook, 8 ½ x11, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view, processing questions, and space for writing.  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample) 

Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). ( I offer a price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)