My online home group this week was attended by a fellow in his car, driving from San Diego to Seattle. The topic of the day was how we define spirituality, or our spiritual connection, and as I watched that guy cruising down the highway, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel and checking the rearview  mirror, I thought, "That's my definition of a spiritual connection - hitting the open road, singing along to an oldies mix-tape, watching the world go by." My sense of spirit shows up when I feel a spark of joy or awe, in the forest, on the road, or in a meeting. Maybe it's being awakened by the light of the full moon, or sharing a giggle with the adorable toddlers down the street on their daily adventure with grandma, or when I'm riding downhill on my bicycle. This week it showed up while sharing  moments of deep conversation with a friend I hadn't seen in-person for several years. It also appeared, in the form of tears, when I was able to schedule my husband's first covid vaccine appointment. 

Joy or awe or spirit doesn't show up on demand, or when I think I have time. It isn't something I can grab hold of, and sometimes, in the noticing, it fades. For me, joy is more of a momentary experience when I'm fully in the present. I am happy or content quite a lot of the time, defined as a general sense of well-being, and can do things to cultivate that, but the high-twinkles are like little gifts from the cosmos.

Something I recently read suggested that those flashes of joy, of feeling fully alive and engaged can be a signal, or indicator of what my next steps might be - not quite like the old hippie saying, "If it feels good, do it," because sometimes what feels good in the moment won't after a bit of reflection (I'm thinking about a chocolate chip cookie here, not the nefarious thrills of yesteryear). But I can certainly notice the difference between something that excites and something that feels flat. Years ago, as I was contemplating applying to grad school, my old fears tried to make me small. But when I got quiet, I was excited, and when I participated in my program, felt fully alive, like I was in the exact right place. Again and again, it is about paying attention.

And, obviously, much of what I do in a given day or week is simply neutral, though not much these days warrants an "ugh." I do my best to stay open to serendipity, to notice the beauty around me (which is easy to do in the Pacific Northwest during spring). In this week's NYT magazine food article, about Japanese donabe hot pot cooking, author Tejal Rao writes, "Some people want to feel happiness that's too big. But for me, every day, I just look for something small." For me, this morning, it was a lively conversation with the desk clerk at my gym, at her post after months away (it is a good sign that the owner, who's been there herself every day, feels confident enough to bring back staff). This young woman is a fellow traveler, and we've enjoyed many conversations reveling in our past, and planned, adventures - a six minute conversation that has brightly colored my day. 

How do I hold on to the feeling of expansion, excitement in the moment, or for what's ahead, without grasping? How do I stay in the "attitude of gratitude" when there is so much in the world that has me distressed? It's not about sticking my head in the sand, but I think it goes back to the hula-hoop idea, as in "stay in your own lane," and using the Serenity Prayer to determine if there is a specific action for me to take. It's also about doing my best to be in the moment (such a discipline!). And I will try to live by a good  friend's motto and blood type: B-Positive. 

When I do find myself wandering down a dark alley of upset or pessimism, I can think about a question raised by another friend in a recent meeting: "Am I truly at risk, or am I just not getting my way?" Am I in danger, or are things simply not going the way I think they should? Humbling to think of how often I can get peeved simply because people aren't following my (unspoken) directions!

What people, places, things or ideas spark your joy? What is it you're doing when you feel fully alive and engaged? How can paying attention to your inner guide bring more of those moments to your life? How do you back out of the bad neighborhood when your thinking takes a turn to the dark side? How do you celebrate the absolute miracle of long term sobriety? (It's not a given, you know. Kudos to you for continuing to show up for life and for recovery.)

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I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery”  -  a 78 page spiral bound workbook, 8 ½ x11, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view, processing questions, and space for writing.  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample) 

Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). ( I offer a price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)