One of my daily readers recently discussed the difference between "try" and "let," saying, "When we 'try' we announce that we want to be in control." That makes perfect sense. I imagine the scrunched face energy of "try" - Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill - versus open-palmed "let" - perhaps Buddha on a lily pad. 

We used to say, in treatment, that "trying is dying." When some guy would talk about what he was going to try to do, I'd hold a pen in my hand and ask that he "try" to take it from me. You either do or you don't. But I was completely confused when my own counselors would advise us to let go. Of what? I'd whine. "How??"  Elder stateswoman/counselor Barbara, would say, "You simply let go," as she opened her palms to the air. I didn't get it, and still sometimes don't. 

I need something concrete when it comes to letting go - something to DO. Sometimes that means picturing a stop sign in my mind, or imagining changing the channels. It may mean writing about "it" and either burning the paper or putting it in the god box. Maybe the action is picking up the phone, or emailing my sponsor. It could mean taking a breath while naming three things I see, three things I hear, and three things I can touch in order to get my brain off the obsession, or using the mantra someone gave me long ago: I can choose peace instead of this. 

Letting go is a discipline, a practice. I know how to try, to put my nose to the grindstone and hammer it out, whether that it is a written 4th Step or a half-marathon. Letting go means to release predictions about my performance in an event - as I saw on a spectator's sign: Trust the training. Letting go also means not having expectations about pay-offs when working the Steps. I open myself to the process, to the mystery of healing - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. I do expect relief when I turn to the principles of the program, but that doesn't always look like I thought it might.

What I want to let go of today is timing for my spouse's covid vaccine, or rather, my anxiety around scheduling for the vaccine (I got my first one today - yay!). I want to trust the process, which, in this case, probably means to stop watching news stories about how my state is screwing up. I want to let go of worry and my efforts to control the uncontrollable. I want to let go of the remaining "should's" and tired old fears that lurk just below the surface of my conscious mind. I want to let go of trying to predict the future. A guy in a meeting used to say, "If things were supposed to be any other way, they'd be different." God, that used to piss me off! But.... but.... but..... I'd argue with the facts. Maybe I'm just worn down, but I do that a lot less these days. Breathing, as the world swirls around me.

What letting go means is that I want to live in peace and serenity, which is mainly noticeable in its absence. I want to continue to greet each day with hopeful anticipation, knowing that I choose the energy I bring to my endeavors. I want to continue my attention to the HALTS - just because I'm not formally working doesn't mean I can skimp on sleep or healthy meals, or, as important, connections with actual people (not just texts). Grateful, grateful, grateful for my online meeting routine, and the small group that sometimes meets around a bonfire. One day at a time, we are doing the deal.

What is it you need to release today? Worries about a loved one, or perhaps yourself? What are one or two things you can do to welcome the energy of surrender and letting go?

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery”  -  a 78 page spiral bound workbook, 8 ½ x11, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view, processing questions, and space for writing.  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample) 

Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). ( I offer a price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)