My step-daughter will turn 21 this month. Preparing to celebrate with her, triggered reflection on my own 21st. By then, I'd already been drinking for six or seven years, and had been married for two. Attending a small party for my twin cousins' 20th, the occasion was anti-climatic. I felt older than my years, already with a bit of the "is this all there is?" syndrome. Jaded, with ten more years of debauchery before I'd hit bottom. It would definitely get worse before it got better.

I asked friends what they wish they'd known when they were 21: 

• Don't hesitate to ask questions just because you think everyone else knows the answer. They don't.
• It could be that the best years of your life are twenty years from now.
• You'll never die from a broken heart
• People will always tell you who they are. Believe them.
• Don't settle, whether that's in jobs, relationships or friendships
• Life picks up speed from here on out, so pay attention
• You are perfect just as you are

There are more, including the wish that our 21 year old selves would've found recovery sooner, or been able to practice moderation in our excesses (ha! the great quest of most alcoholics!). Could I have heard any of it, at 21? Probably not. At 21, I rather impulsively left my first job because I was bored and didn't want what would've been the next promotion. But, I got bored in our little apartment after just a few weeks, and found another position in a small office where we turned on the answering service Friday afternoons in order to share a bottle or two of wine (ah, the 1970's). Alcohol in powdered form was a few years away, but I was definitely drinking and smoking pot every day - what else would a person do? 

Roads not taken - so many. One of my best friends and I reminisced this week about our early sobriety talk of having a baby together, both single but feeling the clock tick. We got as far as discussing legalities before I met someone who wasn't at all interested in being a third party to my tentative agreement with a gay man. Do I wish I'd gone ahead with my friend instead of spending the next nine years with someone who was as ambivalent about me as he was about parenthood? One of those unanswerable questions (though if my friend and I had gone ahead, our offspring would be 29 years old).

I'll never for a moment regret taking the road (Highway 26) to treatment. There were times early on when I questioned my ability to do what was required to stay sober, but I never questioned my desire for a life different that what I'd been enduring. And what I've come to understand is that every choice leads to another, and then another. Someone who follows Christianity once said to me, "Jesus is a light unto our feet, not unto next week." Some truths are universal: the road, the path will be illuminated as I step forward, one day at a time. I may have hints, and be able to take a reasonable guess at where one path or another will lead, but until I'm there, the future is a mystery. (That used to bother me, the not- knowing, until someone pointed out how dull it would be to know the end of the story before it even began). 

I got word that one of my favorite cousins is up against the cancer he's been fighting valiantly for several years. Our parents most definitely enjoyed their highballs together, while we've enjoyed the rooms of AA. Life takes twists and turns. What I'd tell my 21 year old self, as well as reminding myself now, is to be sure to tell your loved ones that you care because you never know how much time you all have left (and be sure to ask all the questions you have about family history, because one day there will be no one left who remembers). 

After last week's post, I had a couple of comments on what we may have learned from covid time. One person suggested that it hasn't been all bad, appreciating time at home, while another expressed a wariness about jumping back to "normal" post vaccine. I think it will be a process, for me and mine anyway. According to a recent article, many of us are experiencing "covid itch," the desire to start planning. I can relate, and have some "hope-to's" on the horizon, including a couple of trips out of state and a tentative family reunion. And, the virus has first call.

I spoke with an 80 year old yesterday, who called me a "kid." It's all about perspective. What might you wish you'd known at age 21? How about at 31 or 51? What do you think your 80 year old self would advise you today?

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I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery”  -  a 78 page spiral bound workbook, 8 ½ x11, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view, processing questions, and space for writing.  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample) 

Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). ( I offer a price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)