My spouse is a big fan of speaker meetings, and in covid-time, can find great offerings most weekends as conferences have moved online. We've enjoyed the monthly West Hollywood Speaker Slam (next one is April 17-18) and this weekend, I caught part of Seamus O's talk, a Catholic priest with decades of sobriety. I always appreciate when religious professionals speak to their struggles with faith. If so-called experts question the meaning of life and spirituality, it makes sense that I would too. For the record, I don't believe there are experts in matters of faith. I am the expert on my journey, my path, my connection or lack thereof. I read, both secular and various faith authors, and I listen, though others' experiences can only point the way, or open a door, to my own. 

Over and over I hear, as with Seamus O, that the capital "T" truth is not somewhere outside myself, but is the "great reality deep within." I truly have all the answers, and if I don't, I have a cadre of trusted others to reason things out with. Sometimes it is simply a matter of giving voice to my uncertainties. I keep a sticky note on my desk that reads, "If you know the answer, ask a bigger question." Actually, I move that note around because it scares me just a little, as if it's a sweepstakes - ask the "right" question, and your life will expand immeasurably! I'm not sure I want my life to expand immeasurably, but here I am again, thinking a) I know the answers and b) that the universe would present me with something terrible just as a test. 

A sponsor used to share of the need to stop living from her "top three inches," instead making the oh-so-gentle effort to approach the world from her heart or her gut. So hard for me to do. I am a feeler, but the emotions start in my mind, where I've often gone to the mat with attempts to figure out or understand. As Shakti Gawain said in a talk years ago, "Life is like a beautiful bowl of fruit, but too often I can't see it because I'm face down in the bowl." These days I can tell when my face is in the bowl, when my field of vision is just past my nose. 

Which seems like Step 3 -  Making a decision to get out of my own way is an action, a deliberate choice to get my face out of the fruit bowl of my plans and designs, my ruminations or obsessions. An internal action, but nonetheless, something I do. I've lived my life both in the flow, and fighting against it - no secret which feels more serene (though struggling against the current sure felt familiar for a very long time). I used to spend a fair amount of mental energy wondering what it meant, exactly, to turn one's will and life over. To what? How??  Was I supposed to just sit on my porch, waiting for the sobriety pixie to roll up in a cab to tell me what to do that day? Not exactly. I think of this surrender as more of tuning in to my personal GPS, shaped, over time, by the principles of the program, which influence my personal ethics. That GPS was always there, buried deep within, but I usually tried to outrun it, not possessing the level of self-discipline required to live by my virtues instead of my frailties (Marieanne Williamson says that I'd better find a higher power or the lower ones will kill me) . When my main goals were to find someone to get me through the night or avoid getting caught (for any number of things), then my M.O. worked just fine: I knew how to do instant gratification. I knew how to lie. Maybe that's why I rarely set goals pre-recovery - it wasn't just because I was loaded or hung over, but because at some level I knew I couldn't handle the level of discomfort that making a decision, and then following through, required. 

These days, making a decision doesn't mean that I don't make plans. Au contraire. I make lots of plans - I buy plane tickets, make walking dates, write a grocery list. What I do surrender, and attempt to turn over to my higher self, is how I'll respond in the moment, whether the plan goes my way or not. A day at a time, I seek to strengthen my ability to pause, not just when agitated or doubtful, but just about anytime I open my mouth. Is what I'm about to say Thoughtful, Helpful, Intelligent, Necessary, or Kind? If not, Why Am I Talking? (I love our acronyms and slogans - the shorthand for times I can't think further than what's in front of me.)

I went to a new-to-me online meeting this week. I appreciate my home group, but sometimes need to mix it up. This was a small women's meeting, with several newcomers riding the rollercoaster of early recovery when the wreckage of our not-so-distant past is a daily companion. Near the end of the meeting, I had to fight my usual urge to keep moving, so did post my phone number in the chat as available for calls. I'm not much of a phone person - never have been - and sometimes, still, doing something different than the norm is what's needed for my spiritual growth. 

I also attended an in-person meeting this week at a local Alano Club - huge room, with 6 foot distance between chairs, masks, and no coffee. It felt good to be out and about, and to hear new voices. We had a sweet visit and meal out with our daughter over the weekend, and I had an indoor dining experience with a cousin too, taking those tentative and mindful steps back towards a more open way of being. On Friday, we'll drive to north to meet up with couple of good friends for a meal and a walkabout - again, slowly and gently reentering a social life. I just read an article about the anxiety inherent in this new climate after a year in relative lock-down. I'm curious how it might feel to shake someone's hand, offer a hug, or order coffee from an un-masked barista, remembering that other people's comfort level might be different than mine. Cautious is always ok. 

What do you look forward as we move safely ahead? What does the statement, "If you know the answer, ask a bigger question?" say to you? If you could wave a magic wand, what, if anything, would change about your current circumstances? If these are things you could possibly change in real life, how might the Steps help you set and reach your goals?

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I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery”  -  a 78 page spiral bound workbook, 8 ½ x11, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view, processing questions, and space for writing.  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample) 

Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). ( I offer a price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)