I'm posting early this week as I'll be away and not certain about computer access on Wednesday...

"If the path you're on is clear, you're probably on someone else's."  Carl Jung

I've been thinking a lot about purpose, or rather, attempting to feel my way into what a sense of purpose means at this stage of life and recovery. I had a strong calling for the work I participated in for 30 years, but what now? In a talk geared towards professional fulfillment, author Martha Beck shared steps for getting in touch with what excites us. What stuck with me, and what I've heard elsewhere, was a version of "follow your bliss." She believes that the body knows, so suggests bringing to mind whatever task, person or idea is on your mental agenda, then paying attention to how it feels physically. Does thinking of so-and-so feel expansive or contracting? Do I experience an internal "ugh?" or a "yes!"

Years ago, my therapist suggested waiting for an "unequivocal yes!" when contemplating a romantic relationship. I was leery. Unequivocal? OK, I'll try and hold still long enough to see what happens (vs chasing rainbows or wanting an answer NOW!) and here I am, coming up on a very happy 10th wedding anniversary. That same criteria could apply to just about anything. Like I wrote a few weeks ago, much of what I do, I simply do, like the laundry, but I've started a list of things that make my heart sing, or that enthralled me as a kid before puberty and alcoholism skewed my perceptions of "joy." And I'm recognizing how much my sense of purpose is tied to doing, or being productive. AA speaks on the necessity of service, while universal wisdom might say that our purpose on this earth is to love, with love being an action. How do I balance getting out of myself with the sometimes elusive practice of self-care? 

I'm enclosing a link to an article about how the English language lacks in describing various emotional states, with the premise being that improving our emotional vocabulary can help us walk through the tough ones. I remember being nervous in early meetings when the topic was emotional honesty. I really wasn't sure what that meant, and looked to people in the rooms to help me define how I felt. I knew sad, and happy, impatience, fear and embarrassment. Eventually, I learned to identify anxiety, grief and longing, along with the HALTS. Hope and gratitude showed up early on, as did wonder. I learned to distinguish between shame and guilt, and to pay attention when my gut signaled a need for Step 10. Part of listening to my heart, in regards to purpose or otherwise, has to do with paying attention, as mentioned above. What am I feeling, not just in my brain but in my body? That is a discipline, given our culture's emphasis on intellect. If I'm truly being mindful, I can almost feel it when an idea or emotion moves from my head to my heart. Conscious breathing is part of it, with the welcome relief of a deep exhale.

Knowing myself is an on-going process. In April, my Step group members do a yearly inventory/Step 4. I believe in that process, and, from experience, also believe that if I'm open and willing, the inventory will more or less write itself. I don't need to dig under rocks or come at myself with a magnifying glass. Sometimes our program(s) can feel like an ongoing self-flagellation exercise. Having time is not a tool, but I do have experience in not picking up, one day at a time. I also have hard-earned experience with emotional regulation - some areas better than others. So whether it is defining a sense of purpose (for today, not next month) or writing inventory, how do I practice self-acceptance while being mindful of lurking denial?

How indeed? I will think of these things as I get on a plane, vaccinated and double-masked. I will think of these things as I ponder the remarks I'll share at my ex-husband's memorial next week. I will think of these things as I take a brief break from the day-to-day with a good friend, grateful for all that has brought me to this place of reflection.

If you do a formal or informal yearly inventory, what is coming up for you? Same-old, same-old, or a new set of concerns or circumstance? If nothing changes until we first accept it, where would it help to be more gentle with yourself, or others? 

The ‘untranslatable’ emotions you never knew you had - BBC Future

*  *  *

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery”  -  a 78 page spiral bound workbook, 8 ½ x11, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view, processing questions, and space for writing.  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample) 

Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). ( I offer a price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)