I am training to walk a marathon (26.2 miles) in September. I've run 10 (usually a combo of run/walk) but this will be my first official walk at that distance, delayed one year due to the pandemic.

I'm following an actual training plan for a change. In the past, I adhered to the recommended distance for the weekly long run, but did my own thing other days. This time, I plan to follow a recommended template of rest days, intervals and tempo walks, just to see what happens. Just to see if someone else might have a better idea than what I throw together.

Kind of like recovery... I can grit my teeth and gut it out, or, can follow the simple program of action as laid out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous (I also like the guidance offered in The Alternate 12 Steps, by Martha Cleveland and Arlys G ). As a self-centered alcoholic, with time under my belt, I often operate on the "I've got this" plan, the "It's easier if I just do it myself" program. 

I suppose some of that is spiritual arrogance, having been sober for a long time, but some is being a semi-lazy introvert. Picking up the phone is still hard. I don't even talk with friends on the phone much. And, the program of action tells me to humble myself, to reach out to others (and answer the phone when they reach out to me), to let go of the idea that I'm supposed to have the answers.

Being June, my thoughts turn to Step 6, becoming willing to have my defects removed, or as stated in the Alternative 12 Steps, be entirely ready to acknowledge our abiding strength and release our personal shortcomings. The "being entirely ready" can be a mental roadblock - entirely??? I was entirely ready to stop hurting myself and others via drugs and alcohol, but have often done a seesaw with shortcomings. 

For me, 6 & 7 have to do with staying conscious of my thoughts and actions. In the middle years of sobriety, I used to bemoan that it would be easier to go back to being unconscious - that whole "know better, do better" was kicking my ass. "But I don't wanna do better!" my inner-addict would cry out, knowing full well that delayed gratification was a marker of recovery. "If it's a good idea today, it will be still be a good idea next week," was the mantra I needed to internalize to combat my impulsivity. Did it work? Sometimes, when I was willing to do it, not just say it. 

These days, Steps 6 & 7 are more a generalized way of being rather than going to battle with specific characteristics. Maintaining the structures that have proven to work for me in starting and ending the day, regular meetings, contact with sponsor and sponsees - these small actions keep me in a receptive frame of mind, observant of my own thinking and of whatever cosmic messages may come my way. Not perfect, by a long shot, but most days, on the beam.

We spent a few days at the Oregon coast this week, which included a small (6 attendees) in-person meeting at the Little Yellow House in Seaside. It felt good to be there, in the room where I attended my first out-of-treatment meeting. The Program Director let me and my roommate attend before we were discharged from treatment, being deemed a safe risk (to come back). She wanted us to experience a "real" meeting before heading back to our dysfunctional relationships. It took. I, for one, went to a meeting the day I got back to town, and kept going daily after that. Within a couple of months, my treatment roommate became my actual roomie, joining another treatment pal in our faux halfway house. Those really were the days - of discovery, of laughter, of moving forward, one day at a time, and sitting in the Yellow House brings it all back.

At the beach, sidewalks were packed - some in masks and some not. This transition back to normalcy feels anything but. One week we're on semi-lockdown and the next is "all clear."  While the extroverts I know welcome the return, those of us on the introvert scale, or with health issues, are taking a bit of an inhale. How do we, how do I, re-enter the world mindfully? What parts of the shut-down slower pace can I carry forward? How do I stay in today rather than projecting into the future?

Does any residual "I'll do it myself" thinking get in the way of your serenity today? Is there an area that might benefit from discussion with a trusted other? How do you know that you're "entirely willing" to practice Step 6 and release any remaining shortcomings (which, for me, simply means they'll clamor for attention)? Are there areas where "if I know better I have to do better" apply to your life today? 

How will you give yourself permission to decide how to re-enter the social world, rather than being carried along by the crowds?

THANK YOU to those who've reached out to let me know you're out there, reading. One day at a time, we'll continue to move forward, together.  (As a reminder, if you'd like to post a response to any of these posts, you can do so via the WEB VERSION of the blog).