In a meeting I attended last week, a member shared a recent "ah-ha" moment. I don't remember the particulars, but her story prompted my own questioning. When did I last experience an "ah-ha" moment? How long since I felt the blinding revelation of insight that seemed so frequent in earlier sobriety? Does "Expect a Miracle" only apply to the newer folks?
Of course, at the beginning of my recovery journey, waking as the sun came up from the correct side of the day was a miracle. The pure joy of simple pleasures, so long clouded by intoxication or hangover, made it seem as if the skies were opening up - it really was rainbows and unicorns. "So this is what happy, joyous and free feels like!" A coffee date, a hike in the woods, the message in my various daily readers - all felt like discovering a whole new world (which it was).
As I strung together days and months and then years, the "ah-ha's" had less to do with the physical pleasures of sobriety (no puking!) and more to do with unraveling causes and conditions related to states of mind and changed behaviors: when I finally got it that my dad's alcoholism and depression had nothing to do with me; driving past my heroin addicted boyfriend rather than stopping to give him a ride; realizing that the negative voice in my head wasn't even my voice... Inventories galore, lots of tears, outside help, feeling like a pincushion in a meeting when every share spoke directly to me - all served as preparation for the changes implicit in Steps 6 and 7. For a time, I only partially joked I'd like to go back to being unconscious, but that wouldn't've worked. Once that horse (of willingness) was out of the barn, there was no going back. There may have been moments when I pretended I didn't know any better, but as my least favorite adage goes, "When I know better, I have to do better." Each and every "ah-ha" landed me in a place of finally knowing what I needed to know, deeply and emotionally, not just intellectually.
It seems that these days, the "ah-ha's" are quieter, more likely to be a realization that I don't feel the same fears, am not crippled by the same insecurities, am not bound by the same tired stories. I'm still, and hopefully always, gifted with feelings of awe - usually at Mother Nature's display, or a stirring piece of music (whether symphonic or pop). As much as I celebrated and enjoyed the early years, I am grateful to be off the rollercoaster of "Oh my God!" moments. I've done the work and the gifts have followed, including, most days, peace of mind, and the deep understanding that all is well (even if it doesn't always feel like it).
On another note, I heard a bit of brilliance last week when a member shared that months of online meetings made her realize she has an internal mute button she can employ at any time. These days, "You're muted" and "Can you hear me?" have become part of our meeting lexicon. I like the notion of the internal "mute" to help with my on-going striving for the pause. And that's why I keep coming back - not as many incredible, knock-me-from-the-chair "ah-ha" moments, but plenty of "I hadn't thought of that's." During the opening Serenity Prayer, I silently remind myself to be open to hearing what I need to hear, ever mindful of my mind's tendency to wander, as I strive to remain teachable.
When was the last time you had an "ah-ha!" moment? Did it come with fireworks, or a quieter knowing? How might you utilize your internal "mute button" to help you think before speaking or acting? How do you stay focused on the message and not the messenger (or your grocery list) in meetings?
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