Outlook and attitude

 I'm beginning to understand just how much of my Step work, especially 3, 7 and 11 has to do with simply holding still: getting quiet, listening, waiting for clear direction. I continually struggle with the idea that doing nothing is an action in and of itself. Holding still takes both courage and focus, when my natural tendency is to do something, even if ill advised. Listen. Pay attention. And "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything!"

As a friend reminded me, via a meeting share, we don't gain a spiritual connection by trying harder, as in a direct cause and effect. Sure, I can make myself ready for healing, I can set the stage for serenity, but I can't think myself "better.".

It struck me, that for all my recent internal pissing and moaning about this temporary job (the long commute, not the work itself) that I chose this. I'm the one who said, "Yes." I don't need the job. I wasn't seeking work. And I said, "OK" when asked. Holding still allowed me to move beyond the surface chatter to the deeper truth and take responsibility for my choices.

With that realization, I've been approaching the commute with a new attitude, appreciating the various views and small successes when traffic flows smoothly. At the worksite, I looked up from my computer last week to see a deer, not six feet from my window. I gave a little wave to farm people I intersected with on the road and daily give thanks for the extra money going into our property tax fund. It's about attitude, 90% of the time. 

In a meeting focused on Step 10 this week, a member shared how easy it is to do a daily spot check inventory on one's smart phone. Curious, I googled it! Up popped "How to Complete the Tenth Step of AA." I don't know the actual source (undoubtedly not conference approved) but I liked the directions: 

1. Avoid immediate decisions based solely on emotion. Instead, take a step back, breathe deeply, and then act. 
2. Be honest in your assessment of situations (Brilliant! How often does my skewed view cast a shadow on what is really going on?)
3. Admit any mistakes you're making
4. Forgive others when they've made mistakes
5. Focus on progress, not perfection

I love it - especially 1 and 2. Step 10 is about changing my outlook as well as my behaviors, thinking before acting. And sometimes owning my behavior has just as much to do with catching my worn out thinking before it becomes an action as it does with making amends to you. Do I promptly admit when I've fallen back into negative thought patterns, the what-if's or the I'm-not-enough's? The making right in this case would be to change the channel and remind myself of my inherent worth (and tendency to over-dramatize my importance in whatever scenario is bugging me). Yes, make right whatever "wrongs" I've done towards my fellows, and, pay attention to the internal barometer. Some days I'll be stellar and other days I'll stumble, and it's all ok. 

These are challenging times, with mask mandates lifted just as the nightly news reports on a new variant, war in Europe, prices on nearly everything going up... I'd be a robot if I didn't feel at least a little disturbed. And, as a friend who also has long-term recovery pointed out, being sober a long time, I've lived through a lot without taking a drink, both in the big world and my own. I don't have to drink, no matter what. I can focus on what is right vs what is wrong, without sticking my head in the sand. I can remember to breathe. 

How often do you try to "think" yourself better? How might you practice the art of surrender instead? What would your inner wisdom have you do when you find yourself in a twitch about this thing or that? Where does the idea of paying attention fit with holding yourself accountable with kindness?