Two good friends from away (Seattle area, Las Vegas) spent the weekend - the first time we've had overnight company in over two years. It was SO good to laugh and talk, and to share our every-other-week online meeting, this time with me on the computer and them on the couch downstairs. We took a couple of beautiful walks - one city and one in the woods - ate good food, watched a movie... nothing overtly spectacular, but it was spectacular, and just the positive re-set I hadn't known I was craving.
I can, and do, go along in life, mostly appreciating, if not outright enjoying my days, in a pattern of walk (solo or with friends), work (1 more month!), drive (did I say 1 more month?!) eat, prep for the next day, a TV show, my library book, snooze and repeat. Some variations, like the occasional meal with friends, but, for now, that's just about it. Not unpleasant in the least. And then I experience a nourishing few days like this past week (including a birthday visit from our daughter) and I exhale, thinking, "Oh. That's what was missing."
I am a creature of habit and structure. I really didn't know that about myself in the B.R. (Before Recovery) times. I didn't understand that part of my discomfort in the world had to do with the chaotic, overly spontaneous (flurry of activity or crashed out with hangover) lifestyle that went along with the booze and drugs. I'm glad I know that about myself, which can be annoying to friends who are more devil-may-care, but it works for me. I do at least try to loosen up at times (ha ha) but I'm not usually the person to call and say "Meet me in an hour?" Ah well.
My point is not about structure vs footloose, but about "To thine own self be true." And I had to learn what my own "thine self" was, with some trial and error. Today I know that I should always have access to a snack. I know that I don't have an entrepreneurial bone in my body (tell me what to do and I'll do it and collect the paycheck every two weeks!). As an end-of-the-line baby boomer, I also know I don't have too many original thoughts, since there are something like 75 million (American) people a few years ahead of me who've already experienced the growing pains of becoming an elder - and have very likely written about it. I know that, while I grew up with solid values (not that I lived by them), all I've truly learned about life and people and relationships, and my spiritual resources have been since getting sober.
What I do experience are insights and ah-ha moments that are exclusive to me. I'll never forget leaving a speaker meeting, having been enthralled with the person's share, only to hear a couple of women saying, "Well that was boring." Were we even in the same room?? I also know that I don't know something until I do, whether that is around romance or whether I'm in the right job, or what direction I want my post-work life to go. I can learn from you, and your comments can light a spark in my heart, but just because you love something doesn't mean I will. I'm not a team-sport kind of gal. I don't like high places (like zip lines or gondola rides up mountain passes). I do not do well in committees. And it's all ok.
Take these blogs, for instance. Sometimes an idea or theme percolates all week and I jot down phrases on scraps of paper until I can take the time to sit at my computer. Sometimes, like today, I have no idea what's going to come through the keyboard. Sometimes I force a topic only to have it feel like sawdust until I can let my fingers say what wants to come out. And sometimes I riff on something I've heard in a meeting or read in a book. And again, it's all ok.
So today, I am grateful for spring sunshine and rain. I'm grateful for good friends and my loving and welcoming spouse. I'm grateful for good health and creaky knees, sleeping a whole night through, and gas in the car. Doesn't have to be big to be appreciated...
What are traits you've learned about yourself since getting into recovery? Are you true to those wants and desires? If you find yourself compromising more than is comfortable, how will you hit your re-set button? Where does your creativity show up, whether in the kitchen, the easel, on the piano, or something else entirely? Maybe it's a new way of looking at a Step? How will you celebrate YOU today?
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The workbook, "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" is now available in PDF form (emailed to you) or hardcopy, sent via the postal service. See the blog entry for Feb 4 for a sample. If you don't see the PayPal link, go to the WEB VERSION of this page at http://soberlongtime.com
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