Being restored

 As February's Step 2 practice wound up, I've realized that being restored to sanity can take time. When I "came to believe" a bolt of lightning didn't immediately strike me sane. I was restored to sanity, however shaky, around the drink, but as for the rest of my ism's, the progress has been more gradual. If believing it to be so, or wishing and hoping, praying and dreaming (cue Dusty Springfield singing) were enough, I could've saved myself literal years of gut-wrenching insecurities.

What I've come to understand, after an episode that would've triggered an all-out panic (Warning! Warning!), instead thinking, "Hmmm. That's interesting", is that perhaps a head-on assault isn't always what's called for. Maybe being restored to sanity sometimes comes from the gentle action of time, eroding fear, exposing the flimsy rationale for what is an old idea of lack - the belief that there isn't enough (love, attention, booze) to go around, that I'm somehow not enough. Maybe it is the focus on serenity over time, or daily practicing the principles, that takes the rough edges off whatever alcoholic/alanonic thinking I'm dragging around. Maybe regular efforts at Step 3 and 7 over the years sinks in, and trust becomes a way of life, not a faraway dream meant for someone else.

In the 12x12, on page 31 (modifying language), Bill writes, "No one could believe in God and defy them too." Where, and how often, have I claimed to believe in the spiritual concept of healing, yet continued to try to run the show? Where have I opened one palm in release while hiding a clenched fist in my pocket?

The Big Book says, "At once, we commence to outgrow fear." It doesn't say, "Boom - all gone!"  I need to pay closer attention to the actual language, not what I "hear." Commence to outgrow fear. Came to believe. Made a decision...  None of it says, "Woke up one day, completely free of my human tendencies to grasp, to hold tight, to fear the unknown."  Recovery is a process. Trust the process, again and again.

In my Step group this week, someone brought up the Buddhist concept that being alive involves suffering, but that I so often create my own suffering (which is directly referenced in the Big Book - "Our troubles, we think, are of our own making."). The longer I'm around, and the better I take care of my HALTS, the more this becomes obvious. Really, today, in the grand scheme of things, I've got nothing. As was told to me in treatment all those years ago, I know where I'm sleeping tonight and I've had enough to eat today (and my city isn't being bombed).

Along those lines, on a walk this week, I came upon a man, probably in my age range, mid-way up a steep hill, headed towards a set of public stairs that go from the bottom of the ridge to the top. The thing is, this guy was hooked up to a rolling oxygen tank cart. He told me he has 30% oxygen capacity, and these stairs were number four in his quest to complete five that day. I was beyond impressed with his dedication and tenacity, especially as I sometimes find myself complaining about this ache or that pain. As a guy named Sonny used to say, when you'd ask how he was doing, "I've never had it so good." Sure, there are probably a few things I wish were different, and I am very fortunate to have good health, but today, all, ALL of my troubles are between my ears. I know that comparison isn't the road to serenity and I send healing energy of peace to those caught in the crossfire in Ukraine, in Afghanistan, in the Republic of Congo and all places on earth where violence is more the norm than the exception.

So today, well into March when I pay attention to the energy inherent in Step 3, I make a decision to get out of the way. I breathe into gratitude for all the privileges I enjoy - for safety and hot running water, for a cozy home and a strong marriage, for good friends and relative security. Above all, I am grateful for recovery, knowing it could've gone either way, knowing that sobriety provides the platform for participating in the world in a sane and healthy way.

How has your sanity been restored, either quickly or over time? Are you holding on to the illusion of control in any area?  How do you regain perspective when you find yourself in a mindset of scarcity?