What is the story you are currently telling yourself?
What terrifies your mind but stirs your soul?
I'm a note taker, a jotter-down of tidbits and points to ponder. I'm not sure where the above originated, but they jumped out from a notebook I recently opened and seemed appropriate to where my mental energy has lately been, especially the first.
I had a flare up of obsessive thinking this past week, triggered by a bit of information disclosed that surprised me. Intellectually, I understood that what I was told had little bearing on my circumstances, but that didn't stop my mind from traveling down the "what if?" lane of fear and insecurity (intellectual knowledge rarely translates to emotional stability for me, at least not initially). But, because I have now decades of experience in taking a step back from my reactions, I was able to simply hold still and observe my disquiet, my discomfort.
Recognizing the tip of the emotional iceberg, I uncharacteristically picked up the phone, and put pen to paper to get at the root of the problem as it manifests today. I may think I've dealt with a particular type of situation or emotion a thousand times, but really, from this vantage point, from here and now, every blip is a new blip - familiar, maybe, but I can't apply last year's solutions to today's dilemmas because I have changed, however incrementally. What is the story I'm telling myself, and is it actually true today?
I talked it out, relieving the internal pressure-cooker, and then sat in a meeting and heard someone describe her use of the fear inventory (list them, ask myself if I'm stuck in self-reliance or figure-it- out mode, then let go). Oh yeah - the Big Book has a solution for this. Oh yeah, I'm not the only person who sometimes gets stuck in rumination about one thing or another. One day at a time. One day at a time.
We visited family in San Francisco this past weekend. In addition to seeing how the littles have grown since our last visit, we got to connect with AA friends, attending a couple of in-person meetings in the city, and across the Bay in Oakland. I hadn't realized just how much I've missed gathering and was nearly moved to tears in both settings as we stood in a circle, held hands, and recited the Serenity Prayer. I do so appreciate online meetings, and I've missed hugs and side conversations, and "Keep coming back!" chanted in unison. It did feel a bit odd, being unmasked (both were held outdoors), and I confess to waving when someone spoke, like we do on zoom, but the benefits far outweighed any lingering concerns. There are in-person groups here in Portland, though at home I'm more likely to lazily roll into my office and onto the computer (Put on shoes? Factor in driving time?). Maybe it's the onset of spring, but I'm definitely feeling hope around a return to some semblance of normalcy (though I will keep masks handy for crowds and follow guidance for future vaccinations). I'm guessing that online groups will stay in operation for quite a while, and I would miss connecting with friends across the country so hope that is true. More will definitely be revealed.
As for the second quote, I don't know that there is much these days that actually terrifies my mind (other than war, environmental collapse and the like). Letting go of old internal fears has been a long and slow process. These days, I'm doing my best to pay attention, trying to be more attuned to what stirs my soul, whether quiet nudges or the full-blown fireworks of "yes!" For today I will bask in the warm glow of time with loved ones as well as heart connections with people in the rooms. My temp job continues, so all I really need to know in this moment is where I'll show up tomorrow. One day at a time, all is well.
What is the story you are currently telling yourself, whether about your own capabilities or a particular situation? If the story leads to a rabbit hole of fears or negativity, might talking with a trusted other release some of the power it holds? And what about anything that might feel scary but exciting at the same time? If it is a viable option for action, what is a small task you can do this week to move you closer to your goal?
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The workbook, "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" is now available in PDF form (emailed to you) or hardcopy, sent via the postal service. See the blog entry for Feb 4 for a sample. If you don't see the PayPal link, go to the WEB VERSION of this page at http://soberlongtime.com
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