Perspectives

 Facebook "memories" reminded me this week of the date my father died, way back in 1980, based on a photo tribute I did two years ago. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I was well into sobriety before looking up the actual day. Unlike the Temptations song, it was not a day I'll always remember, drinking heavily in my grief. I definitely remember the month - for a long chunk of time, unnamed melancholy would sneak up in August, until I heard someone talk about loss anniversaries. Oh, that's what this is. Hi Dad.

I've outlived my father by 11 years now, and have been alive longer without him than I knew him. I know my dad loved me, and wanted only the best in my life, but it took a lot of tough excavating via therapy and Alanon to get to the essence of our relationship. I grew up believing all was well, then went through a stage of only seeing what was missing via both his alcoholism and mine. I am forever grateful for the healing that has taken place in my relationship to my history - as one of my Alanon readers says, "I've learned to look at the past without staring," though I would give just about anything to have a sober, adult conversation with my father.

Being August, this month I look at how Step 8 is working in my life. The 12x12 tells me that our goal is to "develop the best possible relations with every human being we know." I take that to include both myself, and those human beings who are alive only in memory. I don't exactly know what I believe happens after we're gone - that varies with recent losses, when my loved ones seem to be hovering nearby. I have several friends who consider their deceased friends and family as part of their higher power, or inner wisdom. I can feel that today, having moved from resentment or regret to a place of acknowledging and hopefully incorporating life lessons I've learned from those who have died. And I know that the relationships I have with those who've passed are multi-layered, consisting of our actual interactions and experiences, my interpretations of the same (which can change) as well as the imaginary relationship I have in my head (conversations that might've happened, but didn't; what I wish would or wouldn't have happened, etc)

For the record, none of the lessons learned have to do with acquiring material things - even my wealthy boyfriend believed that money was merely a tool, not a goal. What I have learned is to be a good steward of my resources, and that it is love that matters in the end. That sounds like a cheesy greeting card, but I'm discovering that the deepest truths are often the simplest. Love might look a little different to you and me, but I think the commonality of respect and kindness and releasing expectations of self and others fits the definition. 

I've started drinking coffee, two half-cups per day (and a cup of tea), and I'm sorry to say if I don't have at least one of those cups of dressed up coffee by a certain time of morning, the back-of-the-neck headache begins to throb. Pitiful, actually, when I think of all the booze and stimulants, adulterants and various chemicals I ingested on a regular basis back in the day. But I never was a very good alcoholic. I had a smoker's cough by age 20 and puked when I drank too much (i.e. all the time). Cocaine made my nose bleed, and my shy veins didn't like getting stuck. Imagine if I'd actually listened to my body sooner, my poor body that was saying, "Uh, excuse me? This isn't working." I've been reading snippets lately about the wisdom inherent in our bodies, and the western viewpoint battle between intellect and our often-messy physical selves. I recently saw a meme that said, "Follow you heart, but take your brain along." To which I would add/modify to "Go ahead and think, but stop long enough to listen to your gut." Balance. 

My friend, the Tarot Card Lady (tarotcardlady on Instagram for daily card reading), recently advised that rather than looking for the lesson in the day or week, reflect on the last 6 months for evidence of progress, growth or places asking for attention. I can get wrapped up in the minutiae of daily life, but really, it is the overall flavor of my days and weeks that point to a satisfied release or discomfort. Are more days than not spent in activity of my choosing? Do I feel rushed most days, or just a few? Am I seeing friends in-person vs endless texts? Again, Balance. Balance and perspective,  one day at a time. 

What lessons, positive or not so much, have you learned from those who've passed on?  Looking back at the last 6-12 months, what are your successes? 

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Fall is a great time to start a small group discussion with the Now What? workbook. See the Feb 4 post for a sample, or contact me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com for more info. (Order off the web version of this page, or, available at Portland Area Intergroup)