When I was a little kid, you couldn't buy meat at the grocers on Sundays because butchers didn't work on Sunday. Last week, I couldn't buy from the butcher case because they were short staffed so weren't open. Personally, that was a luxury problem - it's not like we don't have food in the pantry - but made me think about all the instant conveniences of this modern life, and how inconvenienced I can feel if I can't do what I want, when I want. And don't let the power go out, showing me just how much I rely on electricity.
I try not to compare, but someone in a meeting did once say that X% of people in the world aren't sure where their next meal is coming from. My problems are my problems, but miniscule in the grand scheme of things. Gratitude is a practice, gratitude is an action, and gratitude can be a reality check of the "How Important Is It?" variety, especially when thinking of all those who lost so much in the recent hurricane.
I heard a great speaker last week who described the common questions around knowing if you're in self-will or going with the flow, whether you think of that in terms of "god's will" or simply letting go of the steering wheel. Their suggestion was to ask: 1. Is it simple? 2. Is it practical? 3. Is it possible? I'm usually able to recognize (eventually) when I'm pushing against a brick wall. "Going with the flow" feels like it sounds - easy, nearly effortless. I often think of the line in Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat, Pray, Love where she is crying on the floor in the middle of the night, trying to force a decision that isn't yet clear. When she was still enough, she heard, or maybe felt, the message, "Go back to bed." Ah yes. Do the next right thing, whether that is washing the dishes, eating a sandwich, returning that phone call - basically anything that can jolt my mind off the "problem" long enough that a solution has room to appear.
I tend to want skywriting, or a billboard, when so often my solutions are related to putting one foot in front of the other. I think of my recent concerns about "what's next?" as I tried to predict the coming months or even years. By suiting up and showing up every day, my autumn is spoken for, between seasonal elections work, a trip to visit family, my walking group commitment and so on. I don't need to know what's around the corner. I keep coming back to: What am I doing today? How am I tending my heart, my spiritual connections, my trust-muscle today?
I made that trip to the Museum of the Oregon Territory with a box of family mementos, prepared to take half back home, but the curator loved all of it - the old button hook for lacing shoes, a 1933 copy of the Oregonian, loads of photos and family letters, and my mom's lists of household expenditures, which I always found hilarious, but apparently are a slice of American life worth keeping. I am grateful for the women in my maternal lineage who kept things, who valued memories, who lugged small boxes of cards and letters and photos as they moved from one home to another. My grandfather was Secretary of State in the 1930's, dying of tuberculosis while in office, so the family moved from a very nice home to a series of situations during the Depression after he passed, with Grandma taking in boarders, selling homemade candy and cleaning a movie theater to make ends meet - all the while, moving her baby grand piano and family memories along. She had her priorities!
The Museum episode reminded me of how much attitude colors my experience - attitude and perceptions. I was sad when I got there, preparing to let go of a big chunk of what I've been carting around for years, only to leave with laughter, the curator's enthusiasm coloring my experience, an illustration of how my attitude and outlook - a smile, a kind word - can impact those I interact with. Not in a Pollyanna way, but a pleasant greeting doesn't cost a dime. In the past few days I've noticed two drivers nearly frothing at the mouth with road rage - a good reminder that my moods show. Again, "How Important is It?" which I'll remember the next time I'm behind the wheel or catch myself in judgement.
How do you catch yourself in the mood of "I want what I want when I want it"? Are you able to step back long enough to be grateful for what you do have? What are your priorities? If you had to leave your house on short notice, what it is important for you to take along? For me, it would be journals and photos - what about you?
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See the Feb 4 post for a sample of the 78-page workbook, "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" available as hard copy (mailed) or PDF (emailed - for those outside the U.S or those who prefer the computer, though do note it is not a writeable PDF.). Portland Area Intergroup also has a supply available at 825 NE 20th Ave, suite 200, and T-Mar tapes will have a small stack at the upcoming Girlstock conference. Go to the WEB VERSION of this page, if you don't see the purchase link in the upper right corner. Contact me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with any questions.
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