Just after my Tarot reading that addressed transition, as in "You aren't where you were, but you're not yet where you're going," the Richard Rohr daily email I receive spoke to the same - to the fact that transition can't happen until we/I let go, and let go completely. Or as it says in the Big Book, "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."
Absolutely. Not semi, or partially, but absolutely. In the R. Rohr posting, Barbara Holmes describes that process as a tug-of-war. Yes, I understand the need to let go, to release the illusion of control, and... my human tendency is to hold on to the familiar, whether job, relationships, or ideas about myself. What does it mean, and how do I actually do the letting go process? All this esoteric instruction can be confusing for someone who is a do-er. Give me a task and I'll complete it. Give me an idea and I'll wrestle back and forth between understanding and resistance.
I did meet with the counselor this week, who, like my physician, affirmed that yes, I'm doing well and it is normal and very ok that I have feelings around my diagnosis (vs "I shouldn't feel this way"). His comments made me think of a program tool I'd use when on the verge of going off the deep end: write a list of all the things going on right now, which, in the past might've been, 2 term papers due next week, a roommate moving out, a project due at work yesterday, a 3rd date with someone new... you get the idea. I'd look at my list, realizing that any reasonable person would be stressed out, thus giving myself permission to take a deep breath and relax into my humanness.
I haven't done that for a while. For one thing, life is way less stressful now that I'm retired, and it can still be useful. OK, so X, Y, Z happened, and then Q, R, S - again, you get the idea. Any reasonable person would have an emotional reaction, and I am a reasonable person, though apparently I sometimes think I'm supposed to be beyond mere human feelings. Oy vey.
I do understand that acceptance is a process, not an event, and rarely on my timeline. When I first heard the paragraphs on acceptance (p.449 or 417, depending on your edition) I thought there would come a day I'd move through life serenely embracing and approving all that happened. Ha! Was I ever wrong, not then or now achieving sainthood. (And, acceptance does NOT mean approval!) The journey from "No!" to "Ah, it is what it is" is shorter these days, but it is still a journey, the length of time influenced by the situation in question. Writer Ivan Nuru wrote, "If it's out of your hands it deserves freedom from your mind too." I've gotten much better at putting up the internal "STOP" sign when my brain heads down the rabbit hole of "what if?" or self-condemnation, and freedom from the bondage of self truly does lie in this moment, right here, right now.
And right here, right now has to do with letting go with love as I got the call that my mother's oldest living relative is expected to transition in the coming few days. My mom's just slightly younger cousin, they grew up together, and stayed close throughout their lives. Whenever I'd see Betty, every few months for lunch, she'd say, "I sure miss your mother," to which I'd reply, "Me too." At 93, she's had a good long life, a hard-working life on farms or homes with big gardens - a true gem of a woman, with never a harsh word for anyone. And, what happens for me with grief is that one loss opens the door to all the others - parents, lovers, grandparents, friends, aunties and uncles, some actual relations and some not... a lifetime of good people. So I've gone to my garden, hands in the healing dirt, channeling my inner-Betty, who always had a plant or cutting, or good advice for this novice.
What is it you need to let go of today? Is there something you're anticipating that you can release into the unknowable future? If you're feeling stressed, might it help to make a list of all that's happening? Wouldn't any reasonable person feel a bit overwhelmed? What are the tools you utilize to stay in the moment vs the "out there" somewhere?
For those interested, you can contact Amanda, the Tarot Card Lady for a reading (done via zoom) Instagram: https://instagram.com/tarotcardlady Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/thetarotcardlady
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See the Jan 13, 2023 post for a sample of the "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" workbook with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. Available in PDF format ($12.95) for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy ($19.95 mailed to you. Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. You can order from the WEB VERSION of this page, payment link on top right. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th
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