So many times, in earlier recovery, I'd sit down in a meeting and tears would flow, whether from the feeling of safety in the room, or, as likely, due to the fact I was sitting still for the first time in the day, giving my emotions a chance to catch up. This happened in one of my home groups last week as the chair talked about walking through hard times, bravely and with strength.
What I realized, as the tears welled up, is that often people tell me I'm calm or strong, but really, it's just that I'm quiet. I truly am doing ok, and... as an introvert, sometimes my feelings of not-ok are hidden by my silence. What I also realized is that I'm still processing my diagnosis. Crap - I'm being treated for breast cancer?! I'm moving right along, the treatments are pretty low-impact, and I'm being treated for cancer. (And, of course, along with that shock is the chastisement of "Other people have it way worse than you, so just deal!").
I think the bubbling "what the hell?" has to do with confronting my mortality on a level deeper than simply getting close to age 70. A fall from a ladder, a car accident, a more serious diagnosis - all stories I've heard in the past few weeks - the end is closer than the beginning, whether from an internal or external source. Buddhists say one should contemplate their own death regularly. That's all well and good in the abstract, but can be emotionally challenging in practice (which, I suppose, is the point - to get to where it feels less threatening).
What is important is to spend a moment (or three or four) with my feelings, and when tears arise, pay attention. Pay attention, which meant setting up a counseling appointment (done) and/or putting pen to paper (pending). Paying attention might mean talking with my spouse, sponsor or another trusted other about what's going on, even if I don't exactly know myself yet. This week it meant picking up that 5,000 pound phone (yes, still) to talk with someone further ahead on this particular path. And paying attention can mean simply accepting that feelings aren't facts, but/and it is probably fairly normal to have moments of faux-depression (I say "faux" as this feels more like what PMS used to feel like, not full-blown depression, which can be horribly debilitating).
So, I'm doing all the "right" things, with acupuncture and a massage on the docket, along with a Tarot card reading as we marked May Day. I don't drink and I go to meetings. I've had sponsor and sponsee contact. I do my regular journaling, and cranked up my favorite oldies playlist while driving (Years ago, a fellow in a meeting gave me a calling card that read "HP, give me a song to sing that's louder than my insanity!" It works,)
The Tarot reading was especially helpful. I appreciate the wisdom of the cards, like Runes, as part of my spiritual resources. Nothing earth shattering, but as a way to access my inner knowing, in this case a reminder to let go of the reins so that the mystery has space to work in my life. It was very interesting that out of a nine card spread, six cards were associated with the body. Makes perfect sense. What and where is my focus?!? Can I move to a place of greater trust?
And so I wake up today in a good place, marking the halfway point of treatments. I meet with my physician on Mondays and this week shared with him that energetically I feel fine, but emotionally was a bit flat, while knowing that a lot of people in that waiting room have it way worse. He told me that, yes, I'm doing great, and this is a big deal. I appreciated the validation. The roller coaster is real, so today I'll simply hang on and see where the ride takes me next.
What is your spiritual practice? Who do you talk with when your feelings want to take over your mood? Are you able to be gentle with yourself when the "shoulds" are whispering (or yelling) in your ear?
For those interested, you can contact Amanda, the Tarot Card Lady for a reading (done via zoom) Instagram: https://instagram.com/tarotcardlady Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/thetarotcardlady
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See the Jan 13, 2023 post for a sample of the "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" workbook with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. Available in PDF format ($12.95) for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy ($19.95 mailed to you. Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. You can order from the WEB VERSION of this page, payment link on top right. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th
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