I was in a meeting this past week with a person in their early 80's, newly identifying how they were impacted by growing up in a family with alcoholism. This, as I often struggle with character aspects that likely originated in my family of origin, but that I've honed and polished on my own over the years When I was new to recovery, and prior to, I didn't have much choice - I really was unaware of how my seemingly automatic behaviors and attitudes had been molded by my reactions and responses to the disease and my family of origin. I'm so grateful for the tools of recovery, now in practice for decades, and that we can step over that deep river of denial at any age.
The elder in the meeting made me think of a woman I heard share maybe 35 years ago. She was in her 40's or 50's, speaking about her contentious relationship with her mother. At the time, I was deep into wishing my own mother were different - a combination of Betty Crocker and my sponsor would've been ideal. Hearing that woman had me realize I didn't want hers to be my story - pissed off at my mom forever. And so, I did my best to shift from blame to truth, which involved telling her how I felt. She'd often, in our talks about Dad, say, "I know I wasn't a very good mother to you and your brother." I'd just say, "It's ok - we turned out alright," but one day had the courage (thank you Steps, sponsorship and therapy) to say, "You're right. There were some things missing," telling her how it felt to be me growing up. That one conversation truly cleared the air between us and opened our future communications so that when she died many years later, there wasn't anything left unsaid.
I've just picked up a book that's been on my shelf for some time - The Grace in Aging - Awaken as You Grow Older, by Kathleen Dowling Singh. I'd read it before, judging by multiple bookmarks and stickies, but I can tell you that reading it at nearly 70 is a different experience than when I was 60.
Every single thing I read about the aging process points out that it is inevitable. We're born, we age, we die. What isn't inevitable is how we, how I, will deal with that truth - kicking and screaming and botoxing my way to denial (and no offense if you've chosen plastic surgery - I'd rather use the money to go to Europe) or relaxing into what is. What Singh says - and this is just in the introduction - is that we have a choice, and as our outer life contracts we can expand our inner life, our spiritual resources, which can lead to the equivalent of "happy, joyous and free" despite creaky knees or faltering eyesight.
I used to hear someone say that we are here in Earth School to learn to let go and to trust, and to move away from identification with the small "s" self toward Self. If that's anywhere near true, I'd think it would benefit from study, which to me means reading, talking with others on the path, getting still, and making decisions about how I want to be in the world. Yes, I want to keep walking long distances and taking bike rides, traveling to places near and far, and... someday that will come to an end. If I find myself in a one room apartment, what memories will sustain me? What of my house full of stuff will I take? Which books or mementos will line my shelves? I've helped three different people make that move over the years, the ultimate downsizing that is evidence the end is approaching, and I can tell you, there is a great deal that simply goes into the trash or the donation bin. What would I take for the last leg of the journey?
Of course, none of us knows where the path will lead, or if we'll have time to contemplate our own demise. But if I do, I want to go out sober, with my eyes open (metaphorically at least). And speaking of 80-year-olds, my spouse and I went to a small, in-person meeting at the Oregon coast over the weekend. Two of the men attending were 80, both sober a long time, Viet Nam veterans. I have to tell you that when I hear the term "Viet Nam vet" I picture muscular young men in sweaty t-shirts and combat helmets, blasting Creedence Clearwater or James Brown on the radio. I do not picture 80-year-old men, but here we are, having blinked a few times. Again and again this recurring theme of time passing in what feels like an instant.
I sometimes think of the all the history I've lived through - the 60's, assassinations, the Viet Nam war, etc. What events have shaped your worldview, in addition to your alcoholism and personal history? How about how you may have been indirectly impacted by world events that your parents experienced, like the Depression or WWII, or other inter-generational traumas or perhaps joys? Expanding the idea of the 7th Step to life in general (as in, "I'm now willing that you should have all of me"), how do you accept and learn from of all of it, the good and the not so good, one day at a time?
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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.
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