A couple of years ago while on vacation, we visited the Intergroup office in Vancouver, BC, where I was gifted the book, Pioneers in Skirts: The Women's Stories of the BC/Yukon Area, full of experience, strength and hope from women who came into AA at a time when female members were the exception, not the norm.
The final piece in the book is by a woman named Winnie, sharing what it was like, and how she works the program with long term recovery. She says, "the most important thing for long-term sobriety is remembering where you came from. Remembering what steps you took to get to where you are now and doing them on a constant basis. Not saying "Oh, I don't need that part." I might amend that slightly to doing what I need to do on a consistent basis rather than constant. I don't go to a meeting a day anymore, nor a daily written 10th Step for example. What is consistent, at the moment, is my quiet time with daily readers and journal, and a couple of zoom secretary positions. I'm in a Step group, and while I'm woefully lax on the "homework," I am able to see where the practice of the Steps has become internalized over the years.
Winnie goes on to say, "We are looking for a balanced life," stating that she's known people who went to 10 meetings a week and relapsed. I could say the same, recognizing that it is quality, not quantity that keeps me on an even keel. I have my spiritual go-to's, but even that is liable to shift and change over time. I say that nature is part of what brings me peace of mind, but when was the last time I was in the woods? What probably matters is discernment between what I've long believed about myself and what is true today. I was told long ago that my values show in how I spend my time and my money - anything else is just lip service, or a signal to re-evaluate.
A long-term friend recently disclosed to me that she has a drink now and then. When she first told me she didn't consider herself an alcoholic anymore, I was surprised, though truthfully, it's probably been 20 years since she attended meetings, so her recent decision wasn't all that shocking. And now to hear about a beer now and then is more interesting than anything else.
Life marches on. There was a time in earlier recovery that her disclosure would've sent me into a panic, with images of an immediate fall to daily drunkenness, or would've made me fearful for my own sobriety. I'm more open to the nuances of the disease as well as our various drinking histories these days. I've known a couple of people now who were heavy cocaine addicts, but have the occasional drink of alcohol. I know someone else who quit cocaine but drank themselves to death. I know that I fully conceded to my innermost self that I am alcoholic, that I was addicted to a powder greater than myself (a couple of them), that for me, it is alcoholism, not alcoholwasm. But today, another's decisions are not a threat to my sobriety. I might feel differently if this were in my home, but it's not, and not someone I see with any regularity. And, I know that "recovery" looks different for different people, and what works for others might not work for some.
If anything, her story brings up melancholy, never far below the surface for me, for the close friendship we once shared. Again, it's the passage of time thing, in bas relief. I recall, with gratitude for finding my people, those heady days of early recovery when the revelations of the Steps felt like magic. I remember this friend saying to me, when I was trapped in a morass of guilt, "But it says in the Big Book that god wants us to be happy, joyous and free!" That was a lifeline at the time, the beginning of dropping the rock of shame by living sober and changing behaviors, and joining others on the path.
And as I've written before, many of those early sobriety friendships shifted and changed as we got jobs, paired off or got married, moved across town - all the things we do as we grow up and mature. So, here we are today. Some of those relationships have deepened and continue to thrive, some have shifted into something else all together, and some have evaporated into the ether of "What ever happened to so-and-so?" And people new to me show up as well, for a reason or a season, as the saying goes. Today I can appreciate the past as well as the present, one day at a time.
A friend recently wondered how I keep finding things to write about, but life continues to present opportunities for reflection. Just for today, I have a primary purpose. Just for today I will pay attention and will acknowledge and honor my feelings, whether joy on a sunny November day or a tinge of sadness for a changed relationship.
How do you define "recovery" today? Do you know those who's definition or applications are different than yours? When is the last time you evaluated your values? Do your behaviors and choices match what you say matters to you? What feelings or emotions might need acknowledgment today?
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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.
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