I was reminded in a meeting this week that nothing stays the same. Nothing. Not relationships or cities, the garden or the cats. Another way to put it is that the only thing constant is change. Damn it.
I'd Like guarantees - that you'll love me forever, that those I care about will always be healthy and whole, that my peers and I will stay sober. I'm realizing that I hold implicit expectations of my friends - that you won't try to seduce my partner, that you won't steal from my home or my purse, that you'll be generally honest with me, that I can come to you with both joys and sorrows. Pre-recovery I came home one day to find that the meth cook's friends had rearranged my living room, so I might add that to the list: thou shalt not move furniture unless asked.
"Implied" is only good if both parties are on the same page. I learned this the hard way when a long-term partner, in the throes of our breakup, let me know they'd been drinking for the past couple of years. Ouch. That hurt almost as much as the emotional infidelity. But we'd never talked about that aspect of life - we'd met in AA, so it was my assumption that sobriety held the same importance for both of us. When my husband and I got together, I brought it up - knowing that life happens and there are no guarantees, my commitment, desire and expectation is that we'd have a sober relationship. It felt important to say the words, though I've not had a "this is what I expect" conversation with a friend.
So, what happens when a friend breaks the unwritten, unspoken contract? Some things would be non-negotiable, like sleeping with my spouse or stealing from my wallet. But what if it is a more subtle shift, like having a drink now and then? Is that on the same level as no longer willing or able to go on a hike, or a political shift?
That is something I've been pondering. Can a friendship survive and thrive based on shared history alone? Friendships need attention, whether it's a regular coffee date or seeing each other every few years when we're both in the same city at the same time. How much attention does a friendship need to stay solid? And how much can a person change and still be a confidante? I do have friends who don't go to meetings, a couple on the opposite side of the political aisle, and know people who returned to drinking, and each of those cases have triggered a certain amount of grieving. A question that sometimes comes up is, never mind the past - "If I met you today, would we be friends?"
And, this is coming from someone who has friends I've known since grade school. History does have meaning for me, along with shared values and at least some shared interests. One day at a time, there is nothing for me to figure out or decide today, other than practicing the principles in all my affairs. I don't have a crystal ball, as much as I sometimes wish I did.
I've shared my conflicted feelings about my friend drinking in several meetings, including a zoom group I attend with women who have over ten years sober, with most over twenty or thirty. It wasn't the topic of the meeting, but after my share, several women spoke of their own heartbreak and confusion when a close friend decided to drink again. One more time (again and again) I realize I am not alone, in either my sorrows or my joys.
As Gratitude Month draws to a close (with noting Bill Wilson's natal birthday yesterday), I think of all I can be thankful for - my sobriety, good health, a strong marriage, good friends and so much more. I often say a "thank you" for hot running water, for growing up in the era I did, for a warm home. I am rich beyond measure, in all the ways that really matter.
What is on your gratitude list today? How does Step 10 (and 11 and 12) inform your relationships today, along with any expectations that might need to be released? How does the concept of "acceptance" play out in your daily life? How will you be gentle with yourself and others over this holiday season that can be emotionally triggering?
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It might be time for a year-end inventory or planning for the new year.
The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.
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