In a recent meeting, I found myself a little teary as the lead spoke to wanting a spiritual experience. Me too, as I think of my upcoming grand adventure, while realizing I can't simply conjure up an" ah-ha" moment. As I walked home from the group, through a gloriously blooming old Portland neighborhood, resplendent with crimson rhododendrons, tulips of all colors, lilacs and more, I realized this is the spiritual experience. It's not like "life" is over here on the left and the spiritual experience is here on the right - it's all spiritual, if I but pay attention to the beauty, the smile, the potholes and the mud all around.
And maybe it's spiritual awareness. I've definitely had moments over the years of the brain-exploding surrender, usually following inventory, tears and mental exhaustion, but maybe, just maybe the conscious contact we're encouraged to pursue is simply paying attention to the moment. I keep repeating that theme because I need to repeat that theme! Will it ever be automatic? Not sure, but that's why I keep coming back.
I believe it was Richard Rohr who wrote, "God comes to you disguised as your life." Always, read that "g" word as whatever the concept does or doesn't mean to you. What I read in that is that life is life, and in reality, there is no separation from the head and the heart (though I may erect internal walls), no difference between "the program" and the "spiritual part." Compartmentalizing was helpful during my working years, doing my best to leave work at work when I left for the day, but isn't necessarily a positive in general. I like to think I present the same in whatever sphere I'm in (though I really need to work on my cussing habit). Is that a gift of long-term sobriety? Of getting older? Maybe.
And I am getting older, though sometimes need reminding. In signing up for an upcoming half-marathon, I hesitated at the line marked "Age" with the weird sensation of not quite knowing what to write. I know I'm not 60, but 70 just didn't feel like the correct number. I joked with the women at the counter that I don't act my age, but I certainly don't feel like what I thought 70 would feel like, carrying around stereotypes of what it means to be old. The discovery continues.
I attended my former home group a week ago, newly housed at a local club after its long-time home closed at the beginning of the pandemic, and after being online for the duration. Having gotten very comfortable with conveniently rolling into my office and getting online, I don't know that I'll re-up my membership, but it was good to see people in person who I haven't for some time. We've aged.
We've aged, and the message is the same, whether online, in person, or in something I read (program related or otherwise). I'm noticing that as I've fully settled in to retirement, my daily habits have changed, which is to be expected. For the most part, I feel at peace with life, despite momentary blips of self-centered fears. I'm told that my cousin's last words were, "I'm not afraid to die. I've had a good life. I'm tired of the bullshit." Not sure which bullshit she was referring to (I could start a list), but the "not afraid" and feeling one has had a good life are all I could hope for at the end. When I've told a good friend about someone being near the end of the journey, he's known to say, "I hope they feel they've had a good life." Indeed. My first husband wondered if he shoulda/coulda/woulda experienced more, which makes me sad. As my current spouse's sponsor told him several years before he died, "Don't wait for a diagnosis to take care of yourself." He meant physically, but I'd say emotionally and spiritually as well.
After my statement about the road getting narrow, a friend pointed out that, yes, the road gets narrower, but the horizons get broader (thanks PB). Exhaling into that image that definitely rings true. Onward!
What comes to mind, or to your heart, with the terms "spiritual experience" or "spiritual awareness?" How might those be different, or the same? What do you hope your last words would be? Do you feel you've had a good life thus far? How are you taking care of yourself, physically, emotionally and/or spiritually?
*Note that the Now What workbook sales are on a break until I return from my trip.
No comments:
Post a Comment