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 In the last month, in two separate situations with two different people, I made up a story in my head about intention and motivation, taking the role of victim in one saga and the misunderstood spiritual warrior (again, victim) in the other. Upon further investigation, in contact with the actual people involved, the "me, me, me" proved completely false. Funny how that works - make stuff up, or ask questions. 

Years ago, someone shared their New Year's resolution to only talk to people who were actually in the room. How often do I hold entire conversations in my head, based on a snippet that might've been said, or a total fabrication? Once again and always, sound the "pause" alarm. Do I need to pick up the phone, or simply drop the fantasy (which is rarely positive)? Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly...

Every year around this time I question my ongoing participation in the monthly Step Group I've been a part of for close to a decade now. Like I hear others in the group say, I don't necessarily do the "homework" (reading in Big Book and 12x12) though I do think about how the particular Step applies in my life. Realistically, these days I think of the Steps as a whole, a way of life framed in honesty, open-mindedness and willingness - willingness to own my behaviors, open to new ideas, honest with myself and others. I will say that most of my "isms" show up in my primary relationship, which I'm not always comfortable talking about at group level. Is it pride? Trust issues? Maybe a little of both, and worth a conversation with a trusted other. I am feeling, though, that it is time to either do the work (vs last minute scribbles the day of) or move on. More will be revealed. It is a good group of strong women, and in-person. (and this is what I do - talk myself out of it and back in!)

A good friend from out-of-town is visiting this week - fun to hit the road (& the restaurants!), playing tour guide, connecting with mutual friends I don't usually see, and motivation to clean house! In a couple of weeks, I get to take a road trip with my bestie. I'm so very grateful to be retired. I sometimes think I'm supposed to have a grand plan, but basically it seems to be a matter of suiting up and seeing what the day, or week, presents. 

And I'm thinking of place, where we feel we belong, as a long-time acquaintance is home holding vigil for their father's passing. This person's life is a far cry from their rural upbringing, but putting their hands and feet in the earth of the family farm feels right. I think of that sense of place as a dear friend contemplates and makes plans to move back to the Midwest, back to where they grew up, back home. My sense of place, of belonging, is firmly rooted in the mossy green of my hometown. Even as a young kid, moving from the high desert of Central Oregon, I knew that the verdant Willamette Valley was my spiritual home (along with the mountains and ocean shore). 

Certain friendships have their place also - my friend who died as a result of ALS will always be associated with a particular long hill route where we trained for several marathons. Other friends are specific to a meeting where we sat near each other, or a dear family I associate with Miami (though several of them are now elsewhere). 

I've sometimes admired friends who freely move from one part of the country to another, though know that, just for today, that isn't me. I used to chastise myself just a bit for that, but now think that my rootedness is ok. I love to travel and experience different places, from rural New Mexico to NYC and beyond. And I love coming home. 

How do you catch yourself if you're having conversations in your mind that may or may not be based in reality? Where do you feel at home? Is that where you live, or elsewhere? How does the braided way of the 12 Steps inform your life as a person in long-term recovery?